A woman walks past the mirror. She stops, examines herself critically and, baselessly and undeservingly so, sighs with disappointment and disapproval. Then she walks into the den where her husband sits.
Upon entry, the wife pauses. Sensing purpose, her husband looks at her benignly, innocently. He wonders: What have I done now, and how long is this going to take? But it’s third and goal. His eyes alternating between his wife and the television set, he finally concedes.
“Yes, dear?” He says, begrudgingly focusing his attention.
“You think I’m ugly,” she says.
Not a question. A statement.
Our perplexed victim—indeed, victim—sits thinking, What the hell is this all about?! Mystified and innocent though he is, he’s nonetheless forced into not only explaining how this extreme and baseless accusation is in no way true, but into offering convincing, reassuring evidence to the contrary. Meanwhile, he misses third and goal, and the failed fourth and goal, too.
And for what reason?
For having feelings projected onto him. Or, for someone else’s feelings becoming his feelings.
And the phenomenon totally explains this: 10 Ways Husbands Make Their Wives Feel Ugly Without Saying A Thing. The title of a piece I came across during research.
I’ll bet men didn’t know they could make women feel ugly without saying a thing. Well, they can! And here are 10 ways that prove it. And what’s the title saying? More pointedly, what are women saying?
Women are blaming men for how they feel. And it isn’t blame based on what men have said or done, either. It’s based on what women think men are thinking, despite not knowing what men are actually thinking. Sound convoluted? Seem totally unfair, unreasonable?
It is.
But don’t think for a moment women don’t relate warmly to the idea. Get to the article’s corresponding comment section and you find these remarks:
“This is so spot on!!!!”
“Had my ex’s known this, I probably wouldn’t have had exes!!”
“This article nails it. I tried to explain this to previous boyfriends; and they do not get it. Maybe the next one will.”
So what does this mean? It means women are not only holding men accountable for what they think men are thinking. They’re punishing men for it, too.
In other words, women walk into the den and say, “You think I’m ugly,” or one of many like accusations. Then they cultivate a problem based on the charge they, in their minds, have made true, and sooner and later punish men for the crime.
And why wouldn’t women think the charge true and embrace the concept?
There is never any rebuttal to the assertions in these sorts of articles. Thereto, sharing the same gender-related sentiments, it’s easy for women to agree with the feminine complaints, and to then similarly accuse their own men. In fact, such articles serve to validate women’s beliefs and accusations.
Ergo, I think women might benefit from a rebuttal, those who’d be open to such a thing, anyway. So, that’s what this is: a rebuttal. A refutation of the ideas put forth in the piece: 10 Ways Husbands Make Their Wives Feel Ugly Without Saying A Thing. Or one might say, it’s the male perspective.
So, complaint by complaint, here are my thoughts.
1. He Withholds Compliments.
What’s the core of this issue? The need for approval—the unending siege that is the perpetual glorifying of women. Without it, women decide they are underappreciated, undervalued, disrespected, unloved, and of course, ugly. At least they “feel” ugly—and the rest of these things, too, incidentally. Of course, men feel undeserving of these indictments. And indeed, they virtually always are undeserving.
It seems an obvious fact to report but, men and women are totally different creatures. Only, via their complaints, which are essentially indictments, women try to make men characteristically like them, instead of both realizing and accepting that men are totally different creatures, and instead of allowing men be who they are characteristically.
Given the endless indictments, the characteristic male is clearly unsatisfactory.
The baseline issue here is female insecurity. It creates the next issue, which is: the required self-esteem and self-confidence building of women, by men, for that insecurity. Men aren’t nearly as insecure, and they don’t need the self-esteem and self-confidence reinforcement nearly as much, either—not that they don’t like it, and not that it isn’t required to some extent. Even so, neither are an issue with men. Hence, they don’t understand the female need for perpetual compliments and reassurance.
In other words, and simply, the insecurity and need for reassurance are characteristically foreign to men.
So men don’t intend to make women feel “ugly,” and to hurt their feelings—not that men actually participate in that. Nor do men intend to neglect women’s feelings. Different creatures, men simply don’t relate to the characteristic needs of women.
And to that, here’s something: it’s amazing how difficult women find it to give their men a lewd visual once over, and to say wantonly, “My goodness you’re freakin’ hot! Yes, please!” Yet how easily, and quickly, and routinely women ask and expect men to do the same for them.
In other words, as to characteristic needs needing to be understood and respected and serviced, it’s a one-way street.
With a rather long list of cues to learn, it is men who are required to do the work in the compliment and reassurance department. And the problem is, they never seem able to get it right. If men drop the ball. If they don’t reply on cue with the required, listed, should’ve been studied and learned response, BAM! They’re insensitive assholes under attack.
I can’t speak for everyone but, when treated that way, I don’t want to issue compliments.
I think if women leapt down from their feminist steeds, and started lusting over and complimenting their men, instead of issuing demands for compliments, and instead of creating a political mess. They would see their men become a little more attentive and complimentary.
I mean, that’s what strippers do. And look how well men respond to them.
2. He has no pictures of his wife anywhere.
Surprise, surprise. More female need for male reassurance—Tell me you want to see my face during the day, to be reminded of me, and that I’m special. But that’s not all there is to this picture issue.
Women want pictures of themselves in their men’s away-from-home environments so as to let all those vixens know their men are spoken for. A squirt of urine on the office desk or credenza, pictures are women marking their territory.
In other words, it’s female insecurity rearing its ugly head once again. It comes with an accusation, too, of course, which is: “Why don’t you have—read: want—pictures of me in your away-from-home environment?” And the underlying accusation: “You must not want people—read: other women—to know you’re involved in a relationship!”
And there’s the secondary underlying accusation: “You must not want people to see whom you’re involved with, because you think I’m ugly! I knew it—just knew it; I can read your mind. You think I’m hideous!”
In dealing with this picture issue, I again offer the obvious: men are different characteristic creatures.
Men don’t care about pictures! That’s it. That’s all there is to it. They don’t have one thought about the absence or presence of pictures. And if men do have photographs on their desks or credenzas, they don’t look at them as women do—with the frowny aww! faces and cozy feelings.
For men, it’s like, “Yeah, that’s my wife, Kim. That’s us in Cancun last year. Do you have that report, by the way? Thanks. And tell Jim I need to see him.”
And why are men this way?
Because they aren’t women! Again, it seems an obvious point. It also seems men would be—like women, with their frowny aww! faces and cozy feelings—entitled to behave characteristically without condemnation.
If women want their men to have pictures in their away-from-home environments, women should buy the frames, insert the pictures, squirt pee on them to ward off the vixens, and give them to their men for display. Men would be happy to exhibit the prepared photographs. And given the scent, they’d be happy to pick them up for the occasional, lascivious whiff, too.
Why?
Because men actually do like to look up now and again to see their women, so as to fantasize about them in the missionary position, and about what they’re going to do to them when they get home. So ladies, make it a hot picture, for chrissake.
3. He Gawks (at other women) frequently.
One word for this complaint: please. It’s appalling, actually. The fraud, that is. Like men, women are sexual beings subject to the laws of attraction and desire, too. They sit in their cliques discussing cute guys. They ogle the dreamy guy at the bar, at the office. Basically, women make sex-based evaluations of men daily, and everywhere they go.
Yet, they accuse their men of gawking at women.
Like I said, it’s appalling. Even more appalling is that men would allow themselves to feel guilty. “Duh-duh-duh … but honey, I wasn’t looking at her!”
Please.
It is true, actually. Women don’t “gawk” so much. They’re much more creative than that, much more discreet. But then, it wouldn’t matter if they did gawk. Because their men, and men in general, neither make a study of what or whom attracts and holds their women’s attention nor an issue of it. So women are free to keep up the ruse, and free to continue the accusations.
Thereto, were men to behave like women and to do the same thing, they’d not only be called oppressive. Women would think they were insecure wussies, too, which would actually be true.
So by no stretch of the imagination are men the only gawkers. Women are evaluating other men every bit as much and men evaluate other women. It’s just, were that known, women would lose the power of accusation and the element of control.
And women claim their men gawking at other women hurts their feelings, and that it’s one of the ways men make them “feel ugly without saying a thing.” Really?
Well, women do the same thing, how are men supposed to feel?
Gawking, more discreet. What’s the difference?
The whole thing seems rather, hypocritical.
4. He never gives her gifts.
Starting to notice a pattern? Yes. It’s yet more female need for male approval. Thereto, notice how the lack of male reassurance translates automatically into disapproval? No modifiers. No gray area. Just straight to loveless disapproval and not good enough.
Men feel like climbing atop Everest so that not only the punishing conditions, the strenuous effort, and the danger can prove them, but so that reaching the summit they can scream: I APPROVE OF YOU, FOR CHRISSAKE! LET THIS BE THE GIFT THAT PROVES IT SO!!
After, and as a final convincer and for lasting impression, men should plop-down in exhaustion and, for the thin air of altitude, begin wheezing.
And about these gifts. What are we talking, flowers and candy? A sweet card for no reason? A new blouse, perhaps? How about the gift of a woman’s total sexual pleasure, no reciprocation required? Well, never mind that one. Women just eye-rolled it, anyway.
Female naggy voice: “It’s always about sex with men. Always!” And of course, everybody knows sex is for men’s benefit. It’s a reward, actually. For all the gifts. All the gifts men are clearly—thrusting my forehead towards #4—failing to provide. No wonder men are complaining about sex.
How about these gifts: loyalty? Security? Being a terrific father? Taking care of things around the home? Being ambitious and a hard worker? Being decent, considerate? Being a man of honor and integrity and reputation? Or in my case, being an especially patient and skilled paramour with unsurpassed, toe-curling stamina?
That’s a lot of gifts! Problem is women don’t consider them. Self-absorbed, they miss the substance for concentrating on the 20% they aren’t receiving. A 20% that, when actually provided, the meaning and value of which lasts about 30 minutes, before women are again dwelling on and complaining about the 20%.
Women should consider the 80% and the substance more. They might not feel so ugly.
5. He constantly looks at his phone.
Although I think it’s ridiculous to correlate “feeling ugly” with men looking at their phones, women obviously do it. And here’s an interesting tidbit in regards to this complaint: women “feel ugly” for men looking at their phones, and women accuse men of looking at their phones constantly, while women themselves sit constantly looking at their phones.
I think the goal at the end of each day for women is to see how many accusations they can make against their men. In doing so, accusation becoming such a habit, women fail to realize how often they are actually guilty of their own accusations. And men, gullible souls that they are, fail to realize it, too.
Nevertheless, the use of modern technology doesn’t send any messages, doesn’t translate into anything relationally detrimental. Although, I do think phones could be tucked away on date night so a little more communication and unification could take place.
6. He can’t just cuddle.
Well, perhaps if women were banging their men more often, men would want to cuddle more.
The line in the piece was, “So when a man wants sex and only sex, his wife feels used—like an appliance—because he only sees her as having one function.”
“… his wife feels …” Sort of reiterates the problem, no?
I’m sorry—read: I’m not sorry, but sex is a pretty big function in a relationship, one women aren’t performing, or at least aren’t performing enough. And is it really such the offense that a man, feeling his woman’s body next to him, is so overcome with desire that he wants to take her?
I’m sorry—still don’t mean it—but, I’d say that’s a compliment! And a woman being familiar, aged, not so fit, and after years of marriage still considered hot enough to obviously turn a man on and to warrant his affections?
On men’s behalf, I’d say to women: You’re welcome!
And women claim they “feel ugly” because men don’t want to cuddle. Yet women complain cuddling always turns into sex for their men wanting! to have sex with them.
Yeah, that translates into ugly—yes, more sarcasm. As if, men want to have sex with “ugly” trolls they find hideous and revolting.
Women want desperately to be attractive and sexually desirable to men, and spend considerable time and energy and money achieving the result. And men are actually desiring women in the ways they want to be desired. Yet women feel ugly, and like an appliance.
Honestly, women need to get their act together.
7. He eats the last cupcake so she won’t.
So women are food Nazis sensitive about their weight, and intensely self-conscious about their bodies.
Who knew.
Men eat the last cupcake to help women in their war against food, and to prevent its assault on their bodies—I can’t believe I actually typed that. Men are attentive, in that they encourage women by purchasing a gym membership for them or by setting their sneakers out, both in support of yet another certain-to-go-unmet commitment to exercise and to lose weight.
And yet, women feel ugly as a result.
Isn’t it obvious that women are incapable of ever thinking their men have good, supportive intentions? Thereto, they make this continual fuss about their weight, dieting, exercise, and getting their bodies back. And when men try to be supportive, it makes women feel ugly?
Again, on men’s behalf, I’d say to women: You’re welcome!
Nevertheless, let’s address an uncomfortable issue.
I’d like it if he were trimmer and more muscular, more visually appealing; it would turn me on more, and I would be prouder of him. Looking at their men, their men pot-bellied and flabby and not-so-fit, do women think this?
They won’t admit it, but of course they do.
I’d like it if she were trimmer and more fit, more visually appealing; it would turn me on more, and I would be prouder of her. Likewise, do men think this looking at their not-so-fit women?
Of course men do, and they won’t admit it, either.
So there. The truth is on the table.
Now. Unless a particular man or woman is shallow, both realize they care about their partner for reasons other than their less than fit appearance. Each would prefer a lither, more visually appealing partner, but their partners not being so isn’t a deal-breaker. It just isn’t … optimum.
Hence, each overlook the less than fit appearance for the more meaningful substance, and perhaps for love.
Now then. Everybody in the same boat, all can be less than fit, at ease, and happy.
The ways in which women’s body issues cripple relationships are too many to count. They create “ugly” in their minds, and then project all those feelings onto men and into the relationship. The practice creating severe dysfunction, women should cease with the body issue drama.
8. He prefers all things mancave.
Men prefer the mancave? Why, I wonder why that might be? Perhaps men are seeking isolation in the mancave for women criticizing and accusing them all the time. Instead of equating men’s retreat to the mancave to an admission of their ugliness, perhaps women should evaluate that alternative.
In fact, considering their critical and accusatory treatment, perhaps women are indeed ugly, or are at least being ugly.
This complaint isn’t so much about women feeling ugly as it is about separation anxiety. The longer women remain with their men, and the stronger feelings and attachment become, the more afraid women are of losing their men. Thus, women continually think love and the relationship are both dying. Men are disconnecting emotionally, and are less interested. And including trips to the mancave, everything men do is seen as the next step in an ultimate separation they are secretly deliberating and plotting. And of course, women able to read men’s minds, this must be so.
It’s just another example of women creating unnecessary problems and friction for the way they “feel.” It’s yet another instance of women making men choose: me or it! And it’s yet another instance where men have to prove their devotion by choosing me, and not it, which in this case is: the mancave.
“Well, why don’t we watch a movie in the mancave, dear?”
“You don’t want to be with me.”
“I just said, Let’s watch a movie.”
“Just forget it!” You’re choosing it, not me.
It’s a nightmare.
Here’s the correct reply: “A movie? Great idea, honey! Can we have sex beforehand?”
Why, yes we can, dear. Yes-we-can. You’re the best wife ever, by the way.
9. He doesn’t mind when other men give his wife attention.
So, men aren’t jealous enough. It’s yet another example of not only female insecurity, but of women expecting men to be characteristically like them. Only, and I repeat, men aren’t like women.
Women are the jealous gender, not men. And women aren’t merely jealous. They’re intensely jealous, and they want men to be jealous, too, er, like them. The questions is: why would women want their men to exhibit jealousy, when in fact women think jealous men are insecure and unattractive?
Women despise jealous men! So then, an exhibition of male jealousy might be endearing to women a time or two but, eventually, they’re going to give it the ol’ resting bitch face and nostril flare.
The point merely emphasizes the need for women to think things through instead of giving-in to their emotional impulses so readily. If men don’t get jealous when other men give their women attention, it doesn’t mean that men are indifferent and don’t care. It means, men don’t give-in to their emotional impulses and automatically assign ill-intent and distrust to the situation.
And who does that?
Women. Because they want men to be like them, but only on rare occasion, when women feel needy, and not very often, so that it’s creepy and unmanly, else men get the resting bitch face and nostril flare.
In other words, let’s all sit around reacting to women’s emotional impulses while we try to figure out what they really want. I’m looking around, ladies; I don’t see any enthusiasm for it.
Regardless of gender, jealousy isn’t a sign of confidence, and it isn’t attractive. And indeed, it makes one ugly.
10. He speaks more favorably of other women than his wife.
Per the piece, here’s what men do that makes women feel ugly: “When a wife overhears her husband refer to the lady next door as “gorgeous” and the gal in accounting as “brilliant”—two words he has never said to her—she will feel anything but beautiful. This is especially true when Miss Gorgeous and Miss Brilliant are acquaintances of the couple, not mere images out of Hollywood.”
One, such things said about other women doesn’t make a wife ugly. And two, men come on to their own women, too, repeatedly saying the exact same things, as in “gorgeous” and “brilliant.” Only, women discount and ignore the come-ons and compliments for not feeling so gorgeous and brilliant themselves, and for deeming their men disingenuous.
In other words, women don’t hear the come-ons and compliments, as in take them to heart, and they don’t give men credit. Because, given women have convinced themselves they aren’t gorgeous and brilliant, their men were then insincere and didn’t—couldn’t!—actually mean the come-ons and compliments. And then, men have their come-ons and compliments discounted and ignored so much, and so often, that they stop offering them.
What good does it do? men say. Where’s the benefit for them?
There is no benefit. Despite compliments of other women being justified and a simple acknowledgement of fact, women aren’t going tolerate their men complimenting other women. As long as women feel terrible about themselves there shall be no compliments issued to other women, ever!
End of discussion!
Now, that is ugly.
***
So there you go—the male rebuttal. Strip all this down and it’s a bunch of complaints that amount to a constant need for more security. Go ahead, review them. Check my charge.
In each instance women try to make men feel like them, and to make men see things as women see them. Meanwhile, women insinuate men are insensitive and wrong for being characteristic men, men who need to start doing things the correct way, relationally speaking, which is of course making women feel more secure and less ugly.
Of course, the underlying problem is trust. Women distrust men. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be essentially accusing men of so many evils, deeds that make women feel “ugly,” or more to the point, insecure. Only, men aren’t evil. They just aren’t women. They don’t have the emotional hang-ups that women endure. They don’t think like women or behave the way women behave, either.
Men are just different creatures. It’s a silly example but, we don’t ask a dog to be a cat, or a hummingbird to be a hawk. We don’t ask one of our children to be more like another. We’re all unique. Creatures are unique. Men are unique, characteristically unique, separate and apart from women. Yet, men are being made villains for the way they behave and react, for the way they see and do things naturally, characteristically. Like demanding the dog stop barking and start meowing, men are being demanded of to become something other than what they are naturally.
It’s absurd. And unfortunately, too many men not only tolerate being villainized. They actually change into something uncharacteristic and unrecognizable. And why? For the constant accusations and pressure. For the continual dysfunction. And for being made to feel like assholes by women all the time.
To please women and to end the suffering, men stop barking and start meowing.
The question is: why isn’t the shoe on the other foot? Why aren’t women asked to better understand men? To think like men? To behave like men? To cater to men’s needs? And to uncharacteristically meow instead of bark?
Because unlike women, men don’t want that, and thus aren’t demanding that.
It’s an ugly truth, one perhaps women should not only acknowledge, but emulate.
Feelings and fact. There is a vast difference between them.
New Rules: Relationship Logic for the Darkside
John Mark Warren 