Gender equality. Given it is women who feel they aren’t treated equally, who are demanding equal treatment, and who have gender equality as their objective. Which gender is then destined to not only concede to the other until this objective is achieved, but to ultimately lose in every conceivable aspect of life, particularly relationship life?
Right. Like, there’s another gender.
And, it’s worse.
Somehow, I managed to find my way to a television show a while back involving a couple of famous, or rather, infamous, feminists who were discussing the world’s problem: men. Of course, feminists never actually say, “Men are the problem,” because they’d sound like bitter, contentious nags.
No-no. That isn’t how it’s done.
Feminists describe how women are mistreated and taken advantage of in every segment of society, leaving the oppressive villain and the subsequent problem implied, which is of course men.
And being the oppressive villains, men are then the equality-denying foe who must concede to everything and all the time, and who need to ultimately lose in every conceivable aspect of life, particularly relationship life, until the objective of gender equality is achieved, which will of course never-ever be deemed achieved.
I mean, why forfeit the power to control men and to dictate gender relations?
Nevertheless, among these two infamous feminist icons was an adolescent high school girl—the indoctrinated. Finished with their indictment of men—it left implied, of course—the icons looked to the immature 15 year old girl for comment, who, with palpable hostility said, “Men and women are just, equal. That’s all there is to it.”
And all present grinned with delighted satisfaction.
So, despite having virtually no experience with men on any level, this adolescent girl is already angry, embittered, and resentful toward men. And trust me when I say, her feelings are widely embraced by women in general, and particularly women her own age.
In other words, there’s a built-in resentment among women toward men—the enemy. And it’s a premise that has been developing and intensifying and establishing itself for quite some time.
And in terms of courting, and particularly marriage, what does this resentment mean to men?
It means everything is driven by inequality, is seen through a lens of inequality, and is an ultimate fight about gender equality. It means women will disregard whatever inequities, natural or otherwise, that exist between themselves and men, to both ensure and maintain gender equality—albeit, equality of the manufactured and forced variety.
It is to say, women aren’t going to acknowledge any inadequacies or incompetency in themselves that might render them unequal to men. Which means women aren’t going to acknowledge their dependency on men for their inadequacies and incompetency, either.
Moreover, women aren’t going to give men credit for anything that proves men superior, and that actually makes them superior. To do so would prove that men and women are indeed unequal, and that men are indeed superior in certain respects, which would then nullify the entire gender equality premise.
Hence, men must never be given credit for their superiority, natural or otherwise.
And how does this manifest relationally? How does it work practically?
Jeff owns quite the collection of properties; investment property is Jeff’s life and career. Exceptionally skilled and experienced in multiple trades, Jeff remodels the properties he buys, and performs all his own maintenance and repairs. And not only is Jeff an expert tradesman. He runs the office, too.
Finding properties, negotiating, banks, lawyers, renters, problems, billing, accounting, and so much more—Jeff does it all. He’s a rather formidable business man, in fact, having fashioned quite the luxurious lifestyle for himself and his wife of many years.
Jeff’s wife, on the other hand, has no appreciable involvement in the business, which is the way Jeff prefers it. In fact, all he wants his wife to do is to enjoy herself, and to be supportive.
Given his abilities and talent, Jeff is obviously far superior to his wife. Anyone on the outside looking in would certainly think so. And in fact people do look-in from the outside, and they’re totally impressed. Jeff is a man of considerable reputation, respected not only for his accomplishments, but for the professional way he comports himself.
In short, Jeff is a superior business man and individual to those who know him.
Yet, Jeff’s wife doesn’t think he’s superior in anything! Despite his obvious skill and his clear success, she contends with Jeff over everything.
For example, when purchasing property, she feels it compulsory to advise Jeff on the deal—the property is overpriced; it’s too much work; it’s in a bad location, and so on.
Finances—she says Jeff is spending too much money and isn’t being thrifty.
Remodeling and repair projects—she knows better than Jeff how the project needs to proceed.
Jeff’s wife knows nothing about property value, and wouldn’t recognize a financial opportunity if one were to walk-up and bite her backside while wearing a nametag. And she can’t hammer a nail, either. Yet she has the unmitigated gall to challenge Jeff, who actually does understand property value and financial opportunity, and who actually can hammer a nail—things his success clearly validate.
In other words, Jeff’s wife is a lost ball in high weeds, comparatively.
It’s interesting. Everyone else in Jeff’s life stand in awe of his skill and ability and success. Yet, Jeff gets no respect at all from his so-called “loving companion” along life’s journey—and no credit, either.
When discussing business matters with his wife—any matter, actually—nothing should prevent Jeff from saying, “I’m sorry but, you’re not in my league. You’re an amateur! You need to do less talking and more listening and learning.”
Incidentally, I get annoyed at women who take offense at such remarks, saying they’re domineering and demeaning and disrespectful, and whatnot. As if, what Jeff’s wife and women like her do to men isn’t domineering, demeaning, and disrespectful.
Give me a break.
Nevertheless, the statement is incontrovertibly true. Jeff’s wife is the amateur, and isn’t in Jeff’s league. And Jeff could point this out to his wife, but does he?
No. What does Jeff do instead?
He does what most men do: he patiently endures the questions and the ultimate disrespect. He explains everything in vast detail so as to validate and justify his decisions and actions: This is why you do this, honey; this is why you do that. And in doing so, Jeff not only ends-up subordinating his proven superiority to someone eminently unqualified. He ends-up arguing with someone eminently unqualified, too.
It’s one thing when women want to actually learn something. Men love to teach women about the things they know, particularly the things for which they have a passion. But that isn’t what this is. This is making someone less superior and not giving them any credit.
So basically, Jeff doesn’t receive any credit from his wife for his proven talent, skill, business acumen, instincts, intellect, or for his ultimate contributions to the relationship. One would think all this a source of pride to his wife, and that she would appreciate his success—the fruits of which she enjoys, no less.
Yet, that isn’t the case at all. She acts as though Jeff doesn’t know what he’s doing, and as though she’s actually the one with superior experience and expertise.
Predictably, Jeff grew weary of this crapola, long though the exhaustion was in developing. Over beers, we had an impromptu discussion about it. I gave him some insight, er, direction.
“So, what? Being superior to your wife is too uncomfortable to admit to yourself?” I asked. “That you’re the expert and the success seems too egotistical to openly say?”
In a humble gesture, Jeff shrugged.
“Your problem is you’re a nice guy,” I said. “You’re bent on being respectful, while your wife clearly has no interest in it. Ask her how much respect and credit she deserves from you and see what she says.”
“In fact, when you challenge her, what’s the first thing out of her mouth?” I asked.
“That I’m disrespecting her.”
“Whatever,” I said, annoyed. “Look, the reality is you’re superior. And what are you supposed to do? Pretend you don’t know what you know, and that you can’t do what you can do, all so she feels better about herself? So she can pretend she’s not inferior?”
“Excuse me,” I said, “but, the life she lives? She should be hugging your hairy bean-bag every night—giving it a warm tongue-bath and laying it on a silk pillow. That ought to be a nightly ritual.”
Jeff laughed. “Bean-bag,” he muttered.
“It’s true. Something breaks, you fix it. Dragons show up, you kill them. Luxurious vacations, sports car, a palatial estate, hair and nail appointments? Dude,” I said, half-eyed for the gall. “Bean-bag. Silk pillow. Nightly ritual.”
“Laugh all you want,” I said, “but why doesn’t that happen?
A reflective pause.
“Because you’re too nice, that’s why. You allow the disrespect,” I said. “When you’re the star of the show, for chrissake. Can your wife lay carpet? Does she know anything about property investment?”
He shook his head no.
“So what’s she bringing to the relationship table, exactly? Clean laundry? A few cooked meals? That makes her equal, gives her standing? Provides the authority to challenge you?”
“She doesn’t cook,” he said, behind a sheepish grin. “She’s too tired to cook, she says.”
“Too tired to cook,” I muttered. “Well, she’s never too tired to challenge you, is she? Has plenty of energy for that.”
Jeff chuckled. “She complains about the laundry, too.”
I was speechless.
“And if I complain about cooking or laundry, she calls me a misogynist,” he added.
I remained speechless.
Jeff might be many things, but he is by no stretch of the imagination misogynistic. Incidentally, “Misogynist jerk” is a caricature women perpetuate to dissuade men from bearing any sort of resemblance. And women have expanded the definition of misogyny to include men being honest and direct with them. Men don’t have to actually hate women, as would be misogyny properly defined. They can merely tell women the truth and be labeled misogynists. It’s merely a designation used to intimidate men, to control them, and to give women the upper hand in disputes.
“So let’s get this straight,” I said. “You bend over backwards to accommodate your wife. To spare her feelings, you aren’t as direct and honest with her as you could and should be. Knowing she is totally unqualified, you nonetheless explain things to her patiently, trying to win her over to your ideas. You both endure and overlook her criticism and BS, too. I’m sorry,” I said, “but that seems like love of women to me, not misogyny.”
“I guess it is, now that you explain it.”
“And what do you get in return?” I asked rhetorically. “Disrespect for what you know, for what you can do, for all you contribute and provide. Pfft. Misogyny?” I said dismissively. “Sounds more like misandry.”
“Hatred of men. I mean, women certainly don’t love those they undervalue, underappreciate, and disrespect. Do they?
“No, I guess they don’t.”
“You’re the reason your wife lives like a queen and doesn’t have to worry about anything. And not only don’t you get any credit, you get disrespect. That make sense?”
“Sure as hell doesn’t to me, either,” I said. “You need to start handing out ultimatums.”
In terms of ultimatums, women are pros. They say to their men, “Well, I’m not going to tolerate this or that. So, you need to decide what you’re going to do!” It’s a very effective tactic.
Men are forced into response, forced to address and solve a problem. They’re left to make the decisions and the ultimate concessions, like, forfeiting golf and fishing and beers with the guys.
The ultimatums are so common and subtle, men don’t even realize how often they are responding to them or how much they are conceding. Whenever women are dissatisfied they simply complain, and demand that men change. Basically, there’s an ultimatum for men in every single argument.
It’s: Do this so I’m happy with you, and not angry.
Do this so I’m more secure.
And even, Do this so I don’t end the relationship.
“It’s true,” Jeff said. “So what do you do?”
“Simple role reversal,” I said. “The ultimatum model is predicated on the notions you’re wrong; that you’re the bad guy; that you’re the troublemaker who needs to change, and who will change—which is exactly what men do, by the way. Thus, women aren’t prepared when men say, ‘Well, I won’t have any ultimatums handed to me. So now, you need to decide what you’re going to do!’
“Leaving women with the ultimatum, that ends that,” I said. “Now they’re forced into response. They have to figure out how to solve the problem. They have to decide and concede. Leave-stay-get happy, they have to choose. Men never do that. To end the squawking and to keep the conflictual dust down, they concede.”
“There’s a chance they might call your bluff,” Jeff said.
“It isn’t a bluff—at least, it wouldn’t be with me,” I said
I eyed Jeff significantly, “Do you honestly think your wife’s going to leave the plush life she lives and enjoys? Leave an attractive, fit guy as hardworking and successful and as big-hearted as you? Dude. Please,” I said, my nostrils flared for the apparent insanity.
“And if she does leave, good! You’ve freed yourself from a disrespectful and contentious nag, relieved yourself of relational baggage you don’t have to carry anymore.”
“The real question is, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that, anyway?”
“You’re too nice,” I repeated. “The fact is, the ultimatums never cease and men can’t concede enough to satisfy women. Is your wife satisfied?” I asked. “You getting any credit for anything?”
“No. The dissatisfaction continues and the ultimatums keep coming.”
“Start issuing your own,” I said. “Trust me, you have the leverage.”
So, as to men never getting any credit, this is precisely what it looks like relationally. Frankly, I’ll never understand why men resist not only acknowledging their superiority, but openly professing it when required.
Further, being obviously superior in so many demonstrable ways, natural and otherwise, I’ll never understand why men tolerate the disrespect of that superiority from women, either.
There’s no problem acknowledging and openly professing superiority, really, other than men being robustly rebuked for it. And rather than endure the grief, men spend their entire relationship lives trying to get credit for their contributions, and trying to prove themselves acceptable, worthy, and of all things, equal.
Women not issuing men credit keeps men under control, keeps them striving, and continues the ruse that is gender equality. Only, considering men are superior in so many demonstrable ways, natural and otherwise, why don’t women ever rise to meet the higher standard of superiority, instead of working so hard to make men less superior?
It’s because superiority can’t always be bested. Mainly it’s because making men less superior is easier work.
An acquaintance, Madison—or Maddy as she is called, is extremely attractive. The kind of “attractive” women think men want and would never abandon. That kind. Maddy had a terrific husband, too—ambitious, hard-working, loyal, himself attractive—whom she never gave any credit. She was arrogant, contentious with him, always acted superior.
Her husband walked in one day and said, “I’m leaving you; I found someone who appreciates me.” And not only did he walk out. He was right; he wasn’t appreciated, and was never given any credit.
Suddenly, Maddy was alone. Suddenly, she had to get a job. Suddenly, she realized everything her husband actually did, all that he took care of, all that he contributed, and all things for which she never game him credit.
Suddenly, she realized her age, and that her dating pool had shrunk considerably. Suddenly, she found the humility and appreciation she’d always lacked, which had thrust her man into the arms and bed of a woman who was herself not lacking.
To her credit, and much to the extraordinary, Maddy took the blame. Rather than call her ex- a rotten, disloyal asshole. Rather than manufacture a narrative to exonerate herself and to convict him. She said, “I realize now all the things my husband did, and was. I didn’t value it. I should have.”
It was the result of newfound humility and appreciation, too late though it was being discovered.
Maddy is a much different person—humble, more appreciative, more sincere. It’s a transformation that didn’t have to happen. But then again, it did have to happen. And then again, it doesn’t have to happen.
Get my meaning?
©JMW 2018 All Rights Reserved
JMWs latest: New Rules: Relationship Logic for the Darkside