Conflict Resolution 101

JMWWhen asked, “How many relationship fights do you start?”  Men stare vacantly.

Why the blank, uniform stares?

Initially, they are a result of being caught unprepared by a never-before-asked question.  With a little reflection, however, and a little prompting, the blank stares give way to a realizing grin.

The revelation?

Women start a lot of damn fights!

In my latest book New Rules, I wrote:  “Involving themselves in relationships is the beginning of sorrows for modern men.”   Proving the claim, I listed some researched complaints from men as to why their women get mad at them.

A few of my favorites:

  • “She got mad at me over a situation that she completely made up in her head and hadn’t even happened. It was a three day fight.”
  • “She asked if she ever gets mad over stupid little things. I said she has.  Guess who got mad.”
  • “She got mad because my feet were pointed away from her [in bed]. To her, it meant I didn’t love her because of my ‘body language.’  I was sleeping.”
  • “I called her my little pumpkin-butt and she didn’t talk to me for two days.”
  • “Woke up to a slap in the face. I should not have cheated on her in her dream.”

And this is but a small sample from a much larger, equally as insane collection.

So, because men are subject to these sorts of insane provocations, and to the constant arguments and fights these provocations incite.  Like I said, involving themselves in relationships is for men the beginning of sorrows.

To hear women tell it, men are selfish and inconsiderate.

They’re insensitive.

They’re poor communicators, always saying things the wrong way.

They are insufficiently committed and complimentary.

Basically, men are everything except correct.  They’re never bestowed that honor, clearly because they’re such awful creatures—banging other chicks in women’s dreams, and all.

Being such awful creatures, the criticisms and accusations—the provocations—from women are routine, which of course demonstrates that men are always saying it wrong, doing it wrong, and getting it wrong.  And because men are always getting it wrong, they need to be corrected, which of course manifests as the fruitful, if insane, criticisms and accusations from women, which of course provokes the fighting, which then demonstrates that women start a lot of damn fights.

Now.  Claiming it was they who were provoked—You shouldn’t have called me pumpkin-butt, asshole!—women aren’t likely to agree with the charge.  Yet, in humble disagreement I would render this clearly observable evidence to the contrary:

  • Men closely monitor what they say and do around their women.
  • Men are calculating in what they say and do.
  • Men strategize before addressing matters verbally.
  • And men do all to prevent emotional, defensive, and insane eruptions.

Clearly, men want to avoid fights.

Why?

Because they’re provoked into too many as it is!

And examining these circumstances, this isn’t a relationship.

It’s a prison!

Like walking around a prison yard, keeping your mouth shut, minding your own business, staying on your own turf so as to avoid getting shanked—this is prison life!

The only things missing are orange coveralls, razor-wire, and guard towers.

The fact is men aren’t prepared for all the petty and illogical drama modern women bring to relationships, or to deal with the incessant fighting that results.

And for that matter, who would be prepared for such insanity?

I mean, seriously.  The term pumpkin-butt invites two days of silence?

Mentally concocted things that never actually happen result in a three day fight?

A man’s feet pointed the other way in bed is an unloving gesture?

Women giggle and finger-twirl their hair as if this insanity is cute, as if their feminine kookiness is somehow adorable.  And perhaps it is to an extent.  That extent being where the insane becomes reasonable, and where men should agree and comply or get themselves shanked!

Men aren’t prepared for such insanity.  And it’s a major handicap.

The insane accusations and criticisms begin—and worsen.  Unprepared and under attack, men respond poorly, if naturally, with self-defense and pacification.  And as a result, a pattern and strategy emerge.

A pattern in that men endlessly defend themselves and pacify women.

A strategy in that women use criticism and accusation to both control disputes and to get what they want.

Like I said, this isn’t a relationship.  It’s a prison.  And unprepared for relationship life, men become inmates as opposed to respected relationship partners.

To be fair, I don’t think men or women either one receive adequate preparation for relationship life.  However, given it is men who become the criticized and accused, and who must contend with the illogical and even insane provocations of women.  It is men who desperately need preparatory training.

So, beginning with a few fundamental ideas, principles one might equate to warm-up calisthenics, following is that training …

The Question is:  Why?

Men don’t involve themselves in relationships with women to become perpetual villains living under constant suspicion, or to be recipients of consistent criticism and condemnation for that perception, either one.

Men don’t involve themselves to become a relationship’s sole, perpetually sub-par problem, or to bicker and fight all the time for women’s emotion-driven BS, resentments, and eternal discontent.

Men don’t involve themselves to become interpreters, deciphering what women don’t mean and actually mean.

And men certainly don’t involve themselves to become orange-clad inmates who, to avoid shanking in the prison yard, keep their mouths shut, mind their own business, and keep to their own turf.

Yet, when men do involve themselves with women, this, to varying degrees, is exactly what they experience.

And what do the circumstances inspire?

A lot of damn fighting.

The question men need to routinely ask themselves is:  why?  As in:  why am I in this relationship, anyway?

Do men sign-up for this sort of experience?

No.  No they don’t.

And why must men ask themselves the “why” question routinely?

Because men become accustomed to prison life.  Because a subordinate, dictated way of life becomes normal.

It isn’t normal.  It’s abnormal—prison-yard abnormal.

The Premise

Women expect their needs and desires to have supremacy.  If unspoken, this is both the premise of modern relationships and, more significantly, the female expectation.

It used to be different—more, balanced.  In the era of male oppression, however, everything women do for men is now a subordinate act and a challenge to equality.  So goodbye service to men and subservient acts, and hello women expect their needs and desires to have relational supremacy.

And what happens when men fail to meet this expectation?

A lot of damn fighting.

Women claim compromise is crucial to successful relationships.  That’s because they—head-flick to the premise—expect men to do all the compromising.  And if men don’t compromise, there’s a fight, which then trains men to compromise.  And, of course, it is through these concessions that men are being subtly introduced to their orange jumpsuits, and to prison life, to which they are also being slowly and methodically accustomed.

See how it works?

So in terms of preparation, men need to recognize, one, the premise and related expectations for modern relationships, which is, again, women expecting their needs and desires to have supremacy.  And two, that they don’t have to abide by that premise or meet those expectations.

Men’s needs and desires are no less important, and those needs need to be met and those desires fulfilled.

It’s the new premise.

Dictated Happiness

Researchers at University of California-Berkley came to this not-so-profound conclusion:  “If the wife is happy, then so is her husband. And as a result, so is the marriage.”

It’s a long-winded version of the age old aphorism, “Happy wife, happy life.”

And what does this conclusion imply?

Essentially, that men aren’t allowed to be happy unless their women are happy.

And if you think women aren’t warm to the idea, quote the aphorism to them:

“Hey, ladies!  Happy wife, happy life.  Right?”

They’ll grin and say, “That’s right, buddy!”

And they mean it.

So, men aren’t allowed to be happy unless their women are happy?

Well, men can be whatever they want—happy, sad, indifferent.  Including free—free from women who demand and expect their happiness to reign relationally supreme.

Besides, as Draper said, “Happiness is the moment right before you need more happiness.”  The line pretty well describes the problem for men, relationally.  Make women happy today, and they wake-up tomorrow wanting and expecting more happiness.  And considering modern women are loath to make men a sandwich for the act implying subordination and inequality, the duty-bound manufacturing of happiness is a one-way street.

Female unhappiness is what most relationship conflict is about.  Evidenced by their abundant criticisms and accusations, women are constantly unhappy about something.  It is displeasure and discontent they attribute to their men, who then set to rectifying the unhappiness, which usually means men subordinating and sacrificing their own happiness, which creates but temporary happiness for women, which then necessitates the manufacturing and reestablishment of more happiness for women tomorrow, so as to rectify that day’s unhappiness.

And what takes place for all this discontent, and during all this happiness engineering?

A lot of damn fighting.

Women like to believe they “deserve” relational happiness, that they are entitled to it—because that’s what they tell each other.  Girrrl, you deserve to be happy!

Naturally, this provokes women to demand happiness not only be supplied by their men, but at their men’s expense.

So in response, men need to understand this principle:  it’s not their job to keep their women happy.  Women need to keep themselves happy.  Further, they need to make a few sandwiches and relearn how to keep men content.

The happiness load evenly distributed, there’s nothing to fight about.

Virtue

I’m a decent guy—honest, fair, responsible, of good moral fiber.  I try to do things the right way, and have no desire to treat people poorly or unfairly, particularly women, and certainly not the woman with whom I’m sharing a relationship.

I’m certain most men are like me.  And indeed, more men should recognize in themselves these virtuous qualities.

Why?

Because via their criticisms and accusations, women would have their men believe otherwise.

Want proof?

Well, what are criticisms and accusations exactly?

They’re claims of disapproval and of wrong doing.

And issuing plenty of both, what are women then implying?

Well, they certainly aren’t implying that men are virtuous!

Ergo, it is vitally important that men not only recognize their virtuous qualities, but the good intentions associated with those qualities, too.  Because via their criticisms and accusations, women would have men believe they haven’t any virtue or good intentions at all.

Simply, men need to realize they aren’t the evil of which women routinely imply and would have men believe.  Thereto, men should recognize the genuine evil, which is the inconsiderate criticisms and accusations routinely hurled at and leveled against them, and the unjust effort to convince them of their ill-intent and wickedness.

That’s the real evil.  And incidentally, it’s responsible for a lot of damn fighting.

Emotion

Emotional fights are a loser—guaranteed losers.

Why?

For one, nobody’s listening.  For another, there is no critical thinking taking place.  Conflicts absent both, nothing gets accomplished or solved.

And which gender is intensely, hair-trigger emotional?

The female gender.

So relationally, which gender is destined for the loser’s bracket in emotional fights?

The other gender.

So, gentlemen.  Here she comes, spoiling for a fight.  The subject matter is insignificant, really.  Angry, feelings hurt, feeling threatened, irritated, PMSing, and thusly emotional—she launches into her indictment.  And what can men say that will satisfy?

Absolutely nothing.

Emotion can’t be satisfied.  That’s all there is to it.  It’s like, Rule Number One.

Exhibit A:

“You don’t care about us!  When’s last time you took me on a date?!”

“Uh, last week, dear.  Del Quavos.  Cocktails, dinner—a movie after.  Remember?”

“Oh please!  That was just, stopping for a bite to eat.  When’s the last time you planned anything?!”

“Uh, the trip to San Francisco last summer.  Remember?  Booked the entire thing—hotel, flight, theater tickets.  Surprise!”

“Well, when’s the last time you brought me lunch at work?!”

“Well now, that I haven’t done in quite a while, dear.  You work across town now and it’s impossi …”

“Ah-ha!  See, you don’t care about us!”

This dispute continues this defiant and disagreeable course, why?

Because emotion can’t be satisfied.

Women feel a certain way, and they aim to have those feelings validated no matter how deep and illogical the accusations must run, and despite how routinely their feelings are shown to be unwarranted and unjustified.

So, the question:  if emotions can’t be satisfied, then why try to satisfy them?

It’s precisely what men do wrong.

Women aren’t interested in logic or fairness in these circumstances.  They are interested in their feelings being validated.  And there is but one acceptable outcome:  men validating those feelings by confessing their sins—having sinned or not.

So screw date night at Del Quavos and the arranged weekend in San Francisco.  Women are going to continue with the emotional accusations until they find one that allows them to say, “Ah-ha!  See?!  You don’t care about us!”

The problem with men in these situations is they get hung-up on the blame.  They feel attacked, wronged—feelings often justified.  They take offense and become angry, start defending themselves.

Except, Exhibit A.  Any response merely invites the next criticism and accusation, and continues to escalate the fight.

Simply, emotional women aren’t going to allow men to be correct or to win either one.  Therefore, emotional arguments are for men guaranteed losers.

So when the attack begins, rather than be provoked to the loser’s bracket, here’s the line for men:  “I’m sorry.  I don’t do emotional attacks and arguments.  Try me when you’re reasonable.”

Men aren’t the one’s emotional.  Hence, they don’t have to match emotion, or even become emotional at all.  They don’t have to fight, either.

I like winning.  And winning in an emotional fight is remaining unprovoked, unemotional, and non-participatory.

The Contention Strategy

The Contention Strategy is a rather effective tactic.  Here’s how it works:

If women propose something to their men, say like, “Let’s go to the movies.”  It isn’t really a proposal.  Women have decided they want to go to the movies, and that they are indeed going to the movies.

Women want what they want.  And as with virtually every desire they have, they fully expect to get what they want.  And then there is the nightmare of disappointing them.

And if you don’t believe me, ask their daddies.

So if men say, “Not tonight, honey.  I don’t feel like it.”  Or, “… the game is on and I want to watch it, instead.”  Women can simply turn this desire-denying result around with contention, or with the Contention Strategy.

“The game is always on!” they say condemningly.  “All you do is watch the game!”

And then in dramatic exasperation:  “The Game!  The Game!!’”

And there’s the guilt projection, too:

“You never take me anywhere!”

“When do I-eee fit into your schedule?  When am I-eee as important as, The Game?!”

And, voilà!  Men set the DVR and start getting dressed for the movies.

Now.  Women see the result and think:  Hmmm.  Now this tactic gets results!

So thereafter, women open-up the ol’ manipulation toolbox whenever necessary for a quick, contentious fix.

In other words, the contention strategy becomes for women desire fulfillment protocol.  Just make men the bad guy, the problem, the obstacle.  Whenever they say “No” or disagree.  Whenever they don’t comply with desires.  Criticize them sharply.  Accuse them.  Ladle them with guilt.  Yell at them.  Basically, become immediately contentious so that men say “Yes,” agree, and comply.

And that the strategy works so well is the reason the criticisms and accusations become so abundant and freely issued.  And the criticisms and accusations becoming more abundant, men start to expect a fight every time they say “No” or disagree.  Thus they stop disagreeing, stop saying “No,” stop resisting, and basically stop communicating all together.

Initially, men just want the attack and the drama to stop.  Eventually, they don’t want the attack and drama to take place altogether.  So what do they do to prevent it?

Subject themselves to prison life.

Like I said, it’s a rather effective tactic.

The answer?

Put an end to it.

When the initial assault is over, men should say:  “So.  You want something.  From me.  Why, I believe we’ve entered what’s called the negotiation phase, dear.  Let’s try to be civil, shall we?  In regards to this trip to the movies you so desperately seek, I think courtesy will perhaps work in your favor.

“Now.  Let’s begin our negotiations with what you might be wearing underneath that exquisite frock.  I’d very much like to have a peek at that—for starters.  And to my proposal you say…?”

Who’s running the show now?

Guilt or Innocence

The attack from women full-throated and the charges flying, the immediate question on every man’s mind should be:  am I guilty of this charge, or innocent?

Collected and unaffected amidst the verbal assault, men should ask themselves that exact question.  Nothing else matters—not the feelings, not the implied blame, not the discomfort or embarrassment.  Just—am I guilty of this charge or not?

The accusation—did I do it?

Fess-up.  “Yes.  I was checking her out.  She’s rather attractive.”

The Criticism—is it an accurate criticism?

Acknowledge it.  “Yes.  I do watch The Game.  I like sports.”

Men shouldn’t deny what they did, or who they are characteristically, or what they feel or don’t feel.

What’s the truth?  Tell it.  Immediately.

Honesty progresses the fight.  Progressing the fight, men control the fight.  Otherwise, they find themselves languishing in an emotional ordeal that not only can’t be satisfied, but that has no direction or conclusion.

The accusers and aggressors, women get to indict.  They don’t have to have a direction or a conclusion in mind, other than getting the answers they want and, warranted or not, an ultimate confession.

When they get neither?

Why, they issue more criticism and accusations, and project more guilt.

Thus men controlling and advancing a fight is infinitely better, and actually necessary.

Women want honesty?  Men should give it to them—instantaneous and full throttle.  Because honesty and directness are a major ingredient in …

Nearly Perfect Problem Solving

Relationship conflict is mostly political.  Meaning, men and women obfuscate issues and avoid the truth, because neither one want to admit the facts or to acknowledge their responsibility.

Both of which they escape by what means?

Confusing the issue and avoiding the truth.

It is precisely why couples end-up paying relationship counselors to help them have a basic conversation.  I type again:  to help them have a basic conversation.

A result of which raises this question:  if two people can’t have dialogue and solve their own disputes, then why the hell are they in a relationship?

“I think we need relationship counseling.”

Me:  “No we don’t, baby.  We need to start dividing up the stuff.  So, do you want the coffee pot?  Or can I add it to my things?”

Paying! someone to help me communicate with my relationship partner, for chrissake?

Why, I’d rather use the money for a new coffee pot—a deluxe edition, with a timer and all.

A new coffee pot purchase is necessary because men and women can’t be individually honest and take responsibility.  And both look at the last sentence and say, “Yes, precisely!  That is sooo true!”

Only, they say this thinking the remark applies to their partners and not to themselves!

See the problem?

As Crichton said, “Self-awareness—the most difficult awareness of all to achieve.”

Nevertheless.  There is a remedy to the political nightmare that is relationship conflict:  honesty and directness.

If couples are interested in good communication and thus genuine understanding.  If they are interested in keeping conflict to a minimum and fomenting mutual respect.  Honesty and directness afford the surest and quickest path to those things.

Try this:  the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  So then, to get from a problem—point A, to a solution—point B, the quickest path is a straight line.  The line in this example represents the truth.

So then, provide honest answers, stay on the straight line, and resolution comes more quickly and leaves the least carnage.  Stray from the path for feelings and politics, and arguments can rage endlessly, and can cause significant and often irreparable damage.

Honest communication is difficult because feelings and the resulting politics make it difficult.

Who likes to admit they are emotional, and that they are being unreasonable?

Who likes to admit they’re selfish, and that they’re being manipulative for a selfish agenda?

Worse, who likes to admit they are wrong, and that they have been subsequently unfair?

Politics make it possible to avoid all that.  And the feelings make it easy to justify the politics.

Political conflict is much easier, natural even.  It’s easier on the ego, too.

Only, it doesn’t solve problems.  It only makes them bigger, and to last longer.

Taking to political conflict, couples take a disagreement off its point A, point B, straight-line, quick resolution trajectory and wander off into the conflictual wilderness for hours, days, weeks, and longer.

If couples ever want an issue resolved, they will have to return to the truth eventually.  And if they don’t return on their own, they will return in counseling sessions where, what occurs?

A stranger forces them to be honest with one another, for chrissake!

So.  Rather than confuse an issue.   Rather than avoid the truth, and lie.  Rather than generate all those hurt feelings, and create resentment and dysfunction.  Rather than waste time and energy.  Rather than pay someone to forcibly extract honesty, for chrissake!  And rather than buy a new coffee pot—the deluxe edition, with the timer and all.

Why not be honest and direct?  Deeply, unflinchingly, vulnerably honest and direct?

It seems worthwhile.

***

“When I was working at a hospital someone would ask me how becoming a doctor would affect my future family.  You would never ask a man that question.  People think women can be one thing or the other—beautiful or intelligent.  But we can be everything.  That is what I’m most passionate about.”

So said a young woman, 22.  She’d won a beauty contest and was suddenly a celebrity with a platform, which she then frequently used to communicate this particular message to women.

And the subtle, if inescapable, undercurrent in this message?

Male resentment.

And to be clear—Resentment:  a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as wrong, insult, or injury.

And that “something” regarded as forever wrong, insulting, or injurious?

It has a penis.

The question is:  does this young woman’s remarks represent the feelings of every woman?

To varying degrees and extents, they do.  And despite the certain protestations of some, it is easy to momentarily prove.

So given the resentment, for what are women then “most passionate?”

Well, it isn’t convincing women they can be ‘everything,’ as the young woman’s remarks suggest.  It’s ending perceived male dominance and sticking it to men—the obvious enemy.

And both socially, and more specifically, relationally, what does the resentment create and the objective entail?

Conflict.  Lots of damn conflict.

Women like to pretend they don’t view men as the enemy, specifically the men with whom they share relationships.  Asked if they see their own men as enemies, women make That’s absurd! faces, claim they don’t agree with feminism and that they don’t like feminists, and so on.

Yet, look at the things women conclude about their men, and actually say to them—that they are selfish and inconsiderate, insensitive, verbally and emotionally abusive, cold, heartless, disrespectful, and not to exclude supremacy-minded, patriarchal assholes.

Do men sound like friendlies?  Like trusted allies?  Like supporters and defenders?  Like well-intentioned partners interested in women’s happiness and well-being?

No.  And like I said:  despite the certain protestations of some, the young woman’s remarks representing the feelings of every women is easy to prove.  I mean, there it is—cold, condemning verbal evidence from virtually every relationship.

Men sound like ill-willed adversaries!

And despite the That’s absurd! faces and the pretending, it is exactly how women view them—if only subconsciously.  And despite the point—men being the enemy—continuing to be made by women in so many subtle ways, men seem reluctant to acknowledge the reality.

Men are like the frightened, middle-aged cancer patient who continued refusing surgery he desperately needed.  A group of young, diplomatic doctors finessed and coddled him, went to great lengths to inform him thoroughly, and to assure him everything would be fine.  Yet, despite their comprehensive and delicate efforts, the patient refused.

Finally, a tough veteran physician, irritated at the lack of progress, walked authoritatively into the man’s room and said, “Mr. Smith, you have cancer.  And I’m going to take it out.”

The patient burst into tears and agreed to the surgery, which, incidentally, was performed successfully.

As to being viewed as women’s enemy, men need the same authoritative approach, apparently.

Someone needs to say to them:  “Women see you as the enemy—and if not the enemy, the problem.  So before involving yourselves in a relationship with them, you’d better come to terms with that fact, and understand what it means to a relationship and to your subsequent lives.”

So, there.  It’s been said both authoritatively and clearly—and yet again.

Of course, men could just believe the routine messages they hear delivered by women from every public platform.  In fact, being called selfish and inconsiderate, insensitive, verbally and emotionally abusive, cold, heartless, disrespectful, and supremacy-minded, patriarchal assholes by their own women, men could just believe their own ears.

The dirty little secret is women like feminism’s power, and find it useful.  While they make That’s absurd! faces and pretend to loath feminism and feminists.  While they pretend not to view men as their enemy, yet define men as such with so many adversarial characterizations.  Women still employ feminism’s muscle against men whenever necessary and beneficial.

Men doing a little too well in an argument—emotional abuse.

Speaking a little too authoritatively—verbal abuse.

Men saying “No,” not conceding, and not giving women what they want—patriarchal supremacy.

Again, do men sound like enemies or allies?

Precisely.  And this is what the enemy gets to look forward to in modern relationships—the beginning of sorrows.

Simply, women bring their insecurity issues and resentments and the related drama into relationships.  They slowly, methodically project those issues onto men, which creates conflict.  And totally naïve and unprepared, men try to manage the drama and conflict, eventually tire of the drama and conflict, and ultimately concede to avoid the drama and conflict.

And, voilà!  Prison life for men—a lifestyle occurring in a so-called “loving relationship,” no less.

“Now then” women say with a satisfied grin, maternally straightening men’s collars and whisking their shoulders.  “Don’t you look handsome in your orange jumpsuit?  We’re going to be sooo happy together.”

As long as men are behaving like model boyfriends and husbands and fathers—the relational standards being determined by women, of course—then women approve and remain content.  Let men slip out of line or fall below standard, however, and … BAM!

Conflict.  Lots of damn conflict.

It seems a terrible way to have to portray relationships.  Yet, given the adversarial circumstances of modern gender relations.  Given women’s insecurities, their resentment, the resulting competition, and the need for self-securing dominance and control.  A conflictual struggle for supremacy is precisely what relationships eventually become.

It’s inevitable.

Michael Crichton wrote a terrific piece for Playboy Magazine in the 90s entitled How to Fight, in which he not only expertly explained the dynamics of gender conflict, but advised men on how to survive—which is basically all men ever do in conflict with women:  survive.

It is an insightful piece—helpful even, and worth a read.

However, Crichton was married five times.  That’s:  five times.  So, men learning to fight and to merely survive doesn’t seem all that, effective.  It is to say I thoroughly enjoyed both Crichton’s perspective and piece, which was a perspective derived from and a piece written in a much different social era, incidentally.  I just think his approach is a loser, ultimately, which the piece and the divorces collectively and clearly prove.

Crichton’s and elite writer, and perhaps an elite filmmaker.  He just never achieved such status romantically, apparently.

It’s one thing when men are lying, philandering, disrespectful jerks who can’t be trusted.  Such men deserve the conflict—deserve to be kicked to the curb, actually.  Only, there are plenty of men who aren’t lying, philandering, disrespectful jerks, one.  And two, those sorts of issues aren’t what most relationship conflict is about.

In fact, what most relationship conflict is about leads to those sorts of issues.

Conflict occurs because women are emotional and insecure.

It occurs because women manufacture situations in their heads that never happen, and turn those fabricated beliefs into three day fights.

It occurs because women get mad over stupid little things, like men’s feet pointing the other way in bed being an unloving gesture.

It occurs because women are spoiled, and because they expect their needs and desires to have relational supremacy.

It occurs because men say “No,” and simply disagree.

It occurs because women become an emotional juggernaut incapable of reason and objectivity and fairness, and because they’re determined to be correct, to have their way, and to get what they want.

It occurs because men are viewed as the enemy for always “wronging, insulting, and injuring” women, who nonetheless manufacture the wrongs and insults and injuries for their emotional bent and insecurities, and who then harbor considerable and often times unjustified resentments.

There is no winning for men in this scenario, which they eventually realize sitting on the counselor’s couch and at the respondent’s table in court.  Fighting—and even learned, improved fighting—is merely delaying the inevitable.  Meanwhile, men endure the unnecessary dysfunction and abuse.

And how long should men relationally endure?  Two years?  Five?  Fifteen?  Forty?

Teaching men How to Fight isn’t the answer.

The answer is:  men not participating.

It is men saying:  “I’m not involving myself in this insane BS,” and sitting it out.

And if that strategy doesn’t curb the conflict, men need to then save themselves the years and decades of misery, not to mention the counseling fees, and exit the relationship.

Just, get out!  Write the last few lines of that relational horror story and close the chapter.

Because, in regards to the conflict, are women taking any responsibility and amending their behavior and expectations?

Are they being less insecure, less emotional, and exhibiting more emotional control?

Are they being more honest?  More direct?  More reasonable?  Less insane?

Are they being less critical and accusatory?  Less demanding?  Less resentful?

No.

Women keep the conflict going so that men take responsibility, so that men amend their behavior, and so that men fulfill women’s expectations and demands.  And all so women can feel less vulnerable, more secure, and in control.

And that is a “relationship?”

Well, it is if you like prison life, and orange jumpsuits, and having your collar maternally straightened and shoulders whisked.

Conflict is a strategy—a self-serving strategy.

I take a lot of heat for my views on relationships.

Why?

Because they threaten women and the current feminist order.

When you can criticize and accuse your way to keeping relationships in order, and to keeping men in line, as women do, life becomes quite comfortable.

Therefore, whenever you criticize women.  Whenever you point out the things they do wrong and their responsibility in relational distress and failure.  You disturb life in the relational hammock, and women get upset.  It’s discomforting, disconcerting.  Women don’t like it.

Why the unease?

Because women have worked long and hard to wrestle power away from men, and to relegate men to subordinance.  And women have been so successful that they’re now able to relax and doze in the relational hammock.

And modern gender relations being so femininely advantageous, does anyone think women are going to take kindly to having their new lifestyle challenged or taken away?

Does anyone think women are going to welcome the insecurity, vulnerability, and the comparative powerlessness of the past?—not that the powerlessness aspect was ever true.

Does anyone think women are going to relinquish the control and dominance they have secured?

Women aren’t going to take kindly to any of that.  And justified or not, when you start pointing out their relational flaws and failures, and their ultimate responsibility, they’re going to raise holy hell to maintain the current order and their hammock lifestyle.

Which means there will be conflict.  Lots of damn conflict.  On top of the already existing conflict.

And relationally speaking, what are men supposed to do?

Endure the insanity, the conflict, and a miserable relationship indefinitely?

Remain obliged and loyal for their commitment, and as matters of love, duty, and honor?

Women wouldn’t.  In fact, they didn’t.

They took to feminism and resentment and fighting.

In terms of conflict, the problem is people are lazy.  They don’t ask enough questions of themselves to understand what is beneath their superficial feelings and subsequent complaints.  They don’t move enough rocks, don’t drill down deep enough.  And for the laziness, they neither contact nor understand the deeper, more substantive and consequential feelings and ultimate truth.  Thus, they can’t then be honest about those feelings for their own benefit, much less articulate them for the benefit of someone else.

In other words, people live on the emotional surface where things come much easier—the criticisms, the accusations, the feelings of right now and the corresponding grievances.  People live on the emotional surface where they don’t have to self-evaluate; where they don’t have to do any honest, soul-searching, intellectual work; where they can dismiss their own short-comings and responsibility and blame everyone else.

It’s a human problem, certainly.  Yet in terms of relationships it’s predominantly a female problem.  Women are highly emotional.  Attacking men, women cause men to become emotional, too, which causes conflict—lots of damn conflict.  Lots of unnecessary conflict.

This isn’t to suggest that men never do anything wrong, or conflict-worthy.  It is to point out that women set a relationship’s emotional tone, one.  It is to suggest that women acknowledge that reality, two.  And three, it is to suggest they be a little more thoughtful, move a few more rocks, dig a little deeper, be a little more honest, be a little more in control of their feelings, be a little less resentful, and that they be a little more invested in keeping the tone reasonable, and the conflict reserved for the real problems.

It’ll make a tremendous difference.

©JMW 2017

 

 

 

 

 

It’s The ‘Lord’s Prayer,’ Not The Pope’s

JMWPope Francis believes the Bible needs revising, specifically the Lord’s Prayer.  He doesn’t care for the phrase “lead us not into temptation,” thinks it should read, “do not let us fall into temptation.”

“That is not a good translation,” he said in Italian, during a television interview.  “It is not [God] that pushes me into temptation and then sees how I fall.  A father does not do this. A father quickly helps those who are provoked into Satan’s temptation.”

Oh really.

The pope suffers from a common religious illness.  It’s wanting to make the scriptures more commercially acceptable, more pleasing to the suffering soul, by making them more palatable and pleasing to the ears.

In other words, there is what the Bible actually says, and means.  And then there’s what one wants it to say and mean, for what it actually saying and meaning not being all that pleasing to the ears, palatable, and ultimately attractive.

More importantly, there is what one wants it to say and mean, for the new meaning—the revised meaning, the more attractive meaning—casting the instructor in a warm, likeable, glorifying glow.

Suffice it to say, the truth is hard and uncomfortable.  Thus, few want to hear it, and even fewer want to communicate it.

That said, the pontiff, all due respect, needs to do a little reading.  He should begin in the Bible’s first book of Samuel, with King Saul.

King David, Saul’s eventual successor, killed Goliath, a menacing giant all in Saul’s army feared to challenge.  For his courage, David, handsome and valiant, immediately became Saul’s lead military man.

The Jewish people adored David, particularly the Jewish women [I Samuel 18:6-7].  This did not please Saul, who quickly came to view David as a threat to his power, and sought to kill him for the threat he posed.

Like so:

“And it came to pass on the morrow, that the evil spirit from God came upon Saul … Saul cast a javelin for he said, I will smite David even to the wall with it …” [I Samuel 18:10-11]

What’s this?  An “evil spirit from the Lord” came upon Saul?

God?  Issuing evil?

Defying the pontiff’s assertions, are we to understand that God was pushing Saul toward temptation of the murderous variety?

Why, it certainly appears that way.  But before passing judgement, consider Job’s story.

In the book’s beginning, Satan had a meeting with God.  Actually, coming to “present” himself before the Lord, Satan had been summoned by God—as in, subordinately summoned.

As to hierarchy, a rather instructive distinction, indeed.

Nevertheless, God asked Satan where he’d been.

In modern parlance, Satan replied, “I’ve been walking the earth looking to wreck human lives.”

God said, “Well, what about my servant Job?  He’s perfect—none like him.  He fears me, and avoids evil.  I bet you can’t turn him.”

Basically, Satan said God was protecting Job, and that, were God to give Satan a crack at him, Job wouldn’t prove so loyal and pure.

So God did precisely that.  He gave Satan a crack at Job—two cracks, actually.  The first, Satan took away everything Job possessed, even killed his children.  Only, the attempt to turn Job’s faith failed.

So God allowed Satan a second try, in which Satan struck Job with grievous boils over his entire body.

Remarkably, that attempt failed, too.

Go ahead, read it.  The book of Job contains 42 chapters.  Satan was present for two of those chapters, the first two, which are followed by nearly 40 full chapters of unimaginable misery and ultimate temptation—unimaginable misery and ultimate temptation both initiated and allowed by God, no less.

Incidentally, God turned Job’s affliction in the end, and restored double all that he had lost.

Now.  For a more prestigious example of Divinely inspired temptation, there’s the Son of God.

“Then was Jesus led up of the spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.” [Matthew 4:1]

And by whom was Jesus led?  “The spirit.”

And who is “the spirit?’  God.

There it all is—right there in the scripture.  And the pontiff can’t read and interpret the same thing for himself?

Well, he could.  It just lacks commercial appeal, and that warm, likeable, glorifying glow.

So despite the pontiff’s claim, the evidence is clear:  God does “push” or “lead humans into temptation.”  Although, it isn’t to see humans “fall,” necessarily.  It’s to test them, so as to build their trust in their creator, which will ultimately strengthen their faith in the same.

And why would God do this to his children?

Well, it’s to improve them, ultimately.  To perfect them.

And there is this purpose:  “But without faith it is impossible to please [God].  For he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” [Hebrews11:6]

And those “rewards” come at a cost.

The cost?

Temptation.

In fact, grievous and incredibly seductive temptation.

Not to exclude, endured temptation.

And to the point, Divinely initiated temptation.

So the Lord’s Prayer doesn’t need to be improved upon or changed—by the Pope or anyone else.  Christ’s mountainside instruction in regards to prayer was, one, accurately expressed.  And two, it was meant to be a humble, acknowledging plea for God’s protection and mercy.

As in:  “…and lead us not into temptation, as is your ability and tendency to do, but keep evil from us, instead.”

Think Christ related to that sentiment?  Job?

Of course they did.

Therefore, in terms of the Lord’s Prayer, I’m certain Christ was clear on his messaging.  Furthermore, I’m convinced that if God can create the universe, then he can get a book transcribed the way he wants it transcribed, so that it says and means exactly what he wants it to say and mean.

It’s the human translating that tends to muck-up the message, even when it’s done from the Vatican.

©JMW 2017

 

 

 

 

America’s Newly Exposed Enemies

I want abortions to stop.  And if they aren’t stopped, I certainly don’t want my tax dollars used to pay for them.  I don’t feel I should be responsible for the sexual indiscretions of others, or for murder in the womb.

I think climate change is a total fraud, too, meant to line the pockets of science, scientists, political figures, and celebrities both at home and around the world.

It’s a scam.

I’m tired of paying for the scam.

I’m tired of regulations born of this environmental fraud making the things I purchase more expensive.

I want it stopped.  Not dialed back or reigned-in.  Stopped.  I want the fraud exposed, and the people responsible for perpetuating it, punished.

As for marriage, I want it reserved for a man and a woman.  I want homosexuals to be officially united, and living happy lives together.  But I don’t want the union to be called marriage; I want it to be called something else.

That’s all—call it something else.

Given it is the gay community imposing on the tradition of marriage, I think it’s a reasonable request.

And if homosexuals want a cake upon the blessed day of this something else, I’ll bake the most beautiful rainbow-themed cake ever to meet the human eye.

And this item is rather fundamental:  I want immigration law enforced.

Enforcing the law—now there’s a novel idea!

I don’t care who migrates to the country, or from where, as long as they do so legally.  If they don’t, I want them rounded-up and thrown out.

It’s a privilege to be a United States citizen—earn it the correct way:  the lawful way.

In regards to healthcare, the last thing I want is a bunch politicians and government bureaucrats running healthcare and making decisions about my health.  I mean, they can’t even manage border security.

And healthcare?  Why, that seems infinitely more complex.

So, no thanks.  I want free-market healthcare.  I want regulations removed and health insurance made more competitive.  And I want to make my own decisions about my health and healthcare.

So these are my agenda items, or at least a few of them, enough to make my point.  What do the items have in common?

They are in direct opposition to the prevailing cultural agenda.

Go ahead, review the items.  I promise; if you hold these views, why, you’re a bigoted fundamentalist.

And who controls the daily narrative used to set this prevailing cultural agenda?

The news media—and the media culture at large.

And of what ideological persuasion is the news media by predominance?

Liberal.

And lastly, which political party shares the same agenda as the news media?

The Democrat Party.

So then, who’s setting the country’s agenda?  Better stated, which political party’s ideology and subsequent ideas are being advanced by the media?

The Democrat Party’s ideology and ideas are being advanced.

And given the ideological kinship and the collective effort, what does this mean?

It means the news media and the Democrat Party are in collusion.  It means they want to control political policy and the country’s direction.

For comparison, let’s reverse the roles.

If the news media were predominantly conservative, all of my agenda items would be the agenda.  The news media would be anti-abortion, and demanding that both the practice and taxpayer funding be stopped.

They would refute climate change with science and the scientists who oppose it.  They would demand the fraud be discontinued on behalf of the American taxpayer and consumer, and that those responsible for perpetuating the deceit be prosecuted.

Were the news media predominantly conservative, homosexuals would be deciding on a legal term for their new union.  Immigration law would be enforced, instead of being ignored.  And taxpayers wouldn’t be funding an imploding universal healthcare scheme called Obamacare.

But of course, this isn’t the agenda inforce.

And why not?

Because liberals are setting the political agenda, which is clearly not a conservative agenda.

Take your pick:  abortion, gay marriage, universal healthcare, gun control, climate change, open borders, et al.  Oppose any of them and you are on the wrong side, the unpopular side, the compassionless side, the unsophisticated side, and are in the proclaimed minority.

This is the beauty of media control.  Controlling the daily narrative, you not only set yourself up as the authority on issues.  You control the political agenda on the authoritative basis, too, and by the ability to publicly mock, impugn, mischaracterize, and lie about any opposition to that agenda.

The news media and the Democrat party, and even liberal forces around the world, have thrown into together to destroy the United States as it was founded, and to transform it into something less esteemed and less powerful.

Don’t believe the charge?

Well, consider what liberals have tried to destroy:  the idea of American exceptionalism.  Pride for military personnel, and in military supremacy.  The belief in and support for capitalism and the American way of life.  The sanctity for human life.  The will of the people in elections.  Respect for the constitution and rule of law.  Christians and Jews.  The spirit of unity for the shared cause of freedom, for the flag, and for the national anthem.  And via the removal and desecration of its statues and monuments, liberals have tried to destroy American history.

So indeed, liberals have thrown in together to destroy the United States as founded.  Worse, they no longer feel it necessary to conceal their ideological kinship, or the fact they are working together to achieve liberal objectives.

Thus, modern America is in the throes of a political war, one which has been brewing for quite some time.  Essentially, the Democrat Party and liberal media have been exposed in recent decades by a competing conservative media with an opposing agenda.  Losing control of the daily narrative for this competition, and control of the political fight that was once so easy, liberals have grown more and more desperate, which has exposed both their political bias and aims.

Making matters worse, liberals were oh-so-close to the things they always wanted during the Obama years—government-run healthcare, the end of capitalism, and of military dominance.  Liberals were oh-so-close.  Yet for their giddy eagerness, supremely exposed.

And being so close and exposed, they had no choice but to unify under the genuine threat of Donald Trump, who was calling the entire liberal political apparatus—Democrats, news media, the Republican establishment—to the campaign carpet.

Hence, unify liberals did, indeed.

So naked and exposed is the entire liberal political apparatus that there is no retreat.  So for Trump-defeated liberals, it’s the final stand.  Thus, America—the American people—face what has long been brewing:  an ideological fight for the very heart and soul of their country.  A genuine war with political elites none too keen on giving-up what they have enjoyed for decades:  political power, and control of the cultural agenda.

An agenda aimed at controlling and ruining yet another civilized society of people.

Make no mistake, a fight long in the making is here.  The curtain hiding Washington corruption has been fully drawn, and the entire liberal machine has been exposed.

Desperate, and with so much to lose, liberals will now do whatever is necessary to win the fight and to maintain their control, as anyone paying attention can clearly see.

Russian collusion.

Impeachment.

Endless attacks on the president and his cabinet and his voter-approved policies.

Attacks on the flag, the national anthem, and American history.

The political exploitation of every national and international event.

And in all, liberals are clearly willing to lie, which makes the daily dissemination of information a cesspool of deceit requiring constant filtration and correction.

Simply, the American people no longer have the luxury of trust as it concerns liberals and the political establishment.

If American’s want to remain owners of their country, and pilots of their own futures and destinies.  Then they’d better recognize their newly exposed enemies—America’s newly exposed enemies.

Liberals.

—Clarion News October 25, 2017

©2017 John Mark Warren

 

 

 

 

Liberal Aversion To Logic

Solving problems and protecting their assets and interests, liberals utilize logic everywhere else in their daily lives.  Like everyone else, they want to be themselves efficient, which saves time, energy, and money.  They want to appear intellectually sharp, so as to impress their friends and to please their boss, and so as to avoid looking foolish and incompetent.  Logic, or sound reasoning driven by both a pursuit of the truth and the resulting facts, accomplishes these things for liberals, and is something of which they most definitely employ, and to which they obviously aren’t opposed.

So then, why are they so averse to logic in political matters?

If damaging information comes to light that exposes the Democrat Party and its politicians, liberals, voters in particular, simply refuse the information.  It’s right-wing propaganda, lies, fake news.  It’s anything but true, and despite ubiquitous reporting proving the contrary.  Dismissing the information, it isn’t then allowed into the chain and process of logical reasoning.  And then in arguing their positions, the ignored fact—the fact that exists and is true, but that decidedly doesn’t exist and isn’t true—becomes a link in the logical chain that liberals just, ignore.

The logical on the other hand, the truth-seekers and problem solvers, they stop at the link during debate, and say:  “Uh, wait.  What about this critical piece of information?  This incontrovertible, ubiquitously reported fact?  This missing link in the chain of rational and solution-seeking logic that you’re ignoring, but that devastates your argument?”

Liberals then say, “What about starving children in Somalia?!”  Or, “What about the climate crisis?!” or some other meaningless non-sequitur.  And then liberals continue on with the debate as if the devastating fact doesn’t exist, which actually doesn’t exist for them having refused the information.  This is precisely why liberal arguments never make any sense.  Liberals blind themselves to a key fact, to an important marker on the road to truth and an issue’s ultimate resolution.

In other words, debates with liberals come to a fork in the road, where there’s a sign, or a crucial, debate-ending fact.  The choice is:  recognize the sign and stay on course to resolution, or ignore it and wander off into the intellectual wilderness.

Liberals wander off into the intellectual wilderness.

And here’s the really inexplicable part:  the logical follow them!  And in terms of debate, what happens?  Debates rage on and on about meaningless issues.

Advantage:  wilderness wanderers.

Take immigration, for example.  Immigrants must come into the United States through legal pathways, and for legitimate, security-related reasons.  That’s the law, and thus an indisputable fact that ends the immigration debate.  Yet introduce that fact to liberals in debate and you find yourself being accused of racism and heartlessness, arguing over a broken immigration system that is in no way broken, and debating the loss of strawberry crops for not enough migrant workers to pick them.  Aka, meaningless issues.

Liberals simply ignore the fact, which is in this case immigration law!  Liberals don’t wander off on “the road less traveled.”  They wander off on the road to nowhere.  And what do the logical do in response?  Well, they tag along behind—“But-but, didn’t you see the sign back there?  Illegal immigration is illegal; that’s the law.  Hey?  Wait-a-sec.  The sign.  Didn’t you see it …?”

Meanwhile, liberals are scoring debate points by presenting themselves as mankind’s only compassionate friend, and the only dependable caretakers of children—illegal alien children, that is.

Immigration law?  Pfft.  Screw that, liberals say.

So, while liberals do utilize logic to advantage in their own daily lives.  It is apparently outlawed when it comes to politics and political matters.  Anything that upsets their political beliefs, warped as those beliefs are, simply won’t be tolerated as true.  Allow me to further demonstrate.

In the 2016 democrat primary election, party officials rigged the outcome.  That’s right—rigged it.  Or, arranged it.  That sounds more like what the liberal news would label the violation.  “Rigged” sounds so … criminal.  Therefore, democrats arranged the outcome.  Yeah, that’s better.

Nevertheless, party leadership effectively said:  We don’t care which candidate our constituency wants; those rubes don’t know what’s good for them, anyway.  We want to install our own nominee. 

 So, democrat officials implored their voters to go to the polls, who then rose early and stayed late, to stand in long lines, to vote, and without any of the effort mattering one bit towards the outcome.  And afterwards, party leadership—Debbie Wasserman-Schultz—resigned for the fraud, proving the fraud, and to basically no penalty public or private.

The party’s leaders had done their job—getting their choice, not the voter’s choice, to the primary finish line.

During the presidential campaign, Democrat Party leader and operative, Donna Brazile, fed the party’s fraudulently-selected candidate, Hillary Clinton, debate questions meant to be kept secret.  That’s right—Brazile cheated.  Emails exposed the fraud.  Yet Brazile lied about her participation and role for months before finally confessing.

“My job was to make all our Democratic candidates look good, and I worked closely with both campaigns to make that happen,” she said.  “But sending those emails was a mistake I will forever regret.”  In other words, and like Wasserman-Schultz’s resignation, “I’m admitting to my unsophisticated constituency I cheated.”

Now.  These incidents should trouble democrat/liberal voters, right?

Well, they should.

Hillary Clinton receiving 66-million votes in the election, however, proves the incidents didn’t trouble liberal voters at all.  The incidents are either facts of which liberals weren’t aware, or that they simply, ignored.  Regardless, having successfully and without penalty “arranged” a primary election and cheated in a debate, and yet received 66-million votes in a presidential election after the facts, is it any wonder Democrats have such flagrant contempt for their constituency so as to “arrange” elections and cheat in debates—not to mention lie routinely and without shame?

And finally, there’s this:  along with his political opponents, President Trump and his personnel face an angry, contentious news media, daily.  A news media asleep for the last eight years—having ignored the numerous, egregious, and evidence-laden scandals of Barrack Obama, his administration, and the Democrat Party—is suddenly engaged and on the job.  As daily White House news briefings and nightly news casts reveal, the media are not only rabid, unruly, antagonistic, defiant, and openly disrespectful towards the president.  Without compunction, they are provably lying and intentionally misinforming the American people about him, too.

Given this fact, it is illogical to the logical to read opinion-piece headlines such as, “A Relentless Attack on Decency, Grace,” the related story accusing President Trump of attempting to murder decency and grace.

So let’s understand this:  it’s decent to rig elections and to disenfranchise voters, and to cheat in debates?

It’s gracious to openly disrespect a duly elected President of the United States and his staff, daily, and in front the world?

It’s gracious to call him names, to relentlessly accuse him, and to attack his administrative personnel and family?

It’s gracious to provably lie about him, and about those he chooses to serve the country?

Why, it’s decent and gracious if you’re wandering around in the intellectual wilderness.

Liberals aren’t averse to logic and facts in their personal lives; it offers too many benefits.  Liberals are averse to logic and facts in the political realm because, one, liberals are exposed as fools when facts and logic are part of debate.  And two, because they lose debate.  Actually, that isn’t true.  The logical wandering around in the intellectual wilderness with liberals assures the debate continues.

So that’s technically a win.  Or is it …?

—Originally published in Clarion News 9/6/2017

©2017 John Mark Warren

New Rules Book Cover

New Rules:  Relationship Logic for the Darkside

The Stripper Experience

I was instantly pissed-off.  Thanks to my sports training, however, it having taught me to keep my emotions in-check and to conceal my feelings, I sat thinly grinning, as if the whole thing was lighthearted and funny, and a joke at my expense.

Only, it wasn’t a joke.  It was a purposeful attack, a means to a desired end.  Something you learn through experience, which, like most men, I have plenty of with the matter.  And able to recognize the attack, I was pissed-off.

So what pissed me off?

In polite conversation with a group of women at dinner, I casually pointed out that the cheerleaders at the local high school had made the newspaper.  I related the story briefly, then made the fatal mistake modern men make.  I said the cheerleaders were all “cute.”

Not “hot.”

Not “really attractive.”

No sexy eye-brow shuffle.

No lewd inflection in my voice.

No sexual connotation at all.

Just a bright and sunny, “cute.”

As with every occasion this sort of thing occurs, which are plenteous in a man’s life, I wished I hadn’t used any descriptive at all.  I wish I had just said, “The local cheerleaders made the newspaper—good for them.”  And left it at that.  Better still, I wish I hadn’t said anything at all.  But then, not saying anything at all, I’m pissed off at the control over what I say, and my life.

Women.  Sigh.

Wishing aside, I had used a descriptive—cute.  A term I had cautiously chosen for its implied innocence, and for it sounding complimentary and asexual, and for it seeming a wholesome word that wouldn’t invite a sexual criticism or accusation—all this a load of tactical and preventative cerebral work I severely resent having to do, by the way, and work that decent, upstanding men should not have to do.

Nevertheless.  In my assumptions, I was wrong.

Immediately after the “cute” comment, it was said, “Um, those girls are, like, your daughter’s age.”  The toney comment was accompanied by an expression of disgust, not to mention equally disgusted glares from every woman at the table, as if I were creepy for pointing out that high school cheerleaders were … “cute.”

“I just thought it was cool they made the paper,” I said thinly grinning, my athletic training demonstrating its long term value.

Skilled though I was at remaining cool in this particular situation, there is an implication when women say, “Um, those girls are, like, your daughter’s age.”

What are women saying?

Basically, they’re saying I’m some sort of old creeper taking inappropriate sexual notice of young, innocent high school girls.  Although, from the stories I hear about young high school girls, and given the growing teen pregnancy rate, I’m not sure how innocent.

In fact, I have my own adolescent history with young teenage girls.  When their fathers would give me the date talk about their daughter’s virtue, and about keeping my hands to myself, I often sat thinking, “Yeah, well.  You ought to have this talk with Ms. Virtue!”

Pulling out of the neighborhood, those virtuous daughters were, well, not so virtuous.

“But you’re dad just said …” I’d say futilely, prying their respective hands from my crotch.

Such is life for men when they begin taking an interest in the opposite sex.  It’s assumed they’re the immoral villains.

My traumatic experiences aside, the young cheerleaders I had spoken of were, indeed, all attractive—as are all cheerleaders, typically.  Yet, I’d had no such implied sexual thoughts toward them.

So basically, the implication and subsequent accusation aren’t true.  It is, in fact, an unsubstantiated charge based solely on an innocuous, wholesome, cautiously selected and assumed-to-be inoffensive term—cute.

Yet, when group of women all glare at you as if you’re disgustingly creepy, the accusation not only feels substantiated, but awful, too.  Unprepared and accused, your thrust into an uncomfortable position of creepery from which only your sport’s training can rescue you.

The point is I resent such accusations; they piss me off.  Although, I wasn’t always pissed-off by them.  Inexperienced, such accusations initially unnerved me.  Why?  Because being called a pedophile, essentially, isn’t a characterization I or any man relishes.   It was only when I realized I was being purposefully accused—by the equally guilty, no less!  More on that shortly—that the unnerved feeling gave way to pissed-off irritation.

Hence, is it any wonder I don’t like talking to women?  More to the point, is it any wonder men don’t like talking to women?  I mean, as a man you’re but one cautiously selected descriptive from being unfairly criticized and accused, and from unnerving implications of creepery.

In controlling men in the modern era, criticism and accusation—one in the same, actually—are the female tools of both choice and convenience.   And women, both at a friendly dinner, but particularly those in relationships with men, have no hesitations selectively and conveniently reaching into the man-control toolbox.

The fact is I used to enjoy talking to women, and was quite comfortable in female circles.  Only, communication in those circles used to be different.  One, women weren’t so angry and defensive and aggressive.  And two, having yet to learn the power and convenient usefulness of criticism and accusation, they weren’t so quick to indict and condemn men, either.

Hence, men didn’t have to patrol what they said so closely in female circles, or work so hard at basic communication.  Now it’s a nightmare of word-choice and impending accusation, and of wary unease and awkward discomfort.  Either intended or unintended, men make one misstep and—

BAM!

They’re low-life, pedophilic creepers for using the term “cute.”

Like I said, I resent such accusations, but especially so for them being issued by the equally guilty, no less.   Oh yes.  Women:  the equally guilty.

Try this:  A girl-friend, a mature woman with a husband and three adolescent children, was out running errands.  Sharing the incident, she admitted noticing a group of muscular young men performing landscaping work.  She confessed a sexual preference for brawny, muscular men and, indeed, to deliciously ogling the shirtless studs as she drove past.

Only, during her enchanted ogling, one of the young men turned to reveal the insignia of the local high school on his gym-shorts.

The young landscapers were on the high school wrestling team!

My mature girl-friend was ogling little boys—young, innocent, vulnerable little boys!  And enjoying it!

Is she a pedophilic creeper?

Of course not.  The young landscapers were buff and attractive, and it’s okay to both think and say so.  The same as it’s okay to say young cheerleaders are “cute.”

So if men appreciate the attractiveness of young women, and women appreciate, er, deliciously ogle young landscapers!  Then, what’s the difference?

The difference is men are accused of pedophilic creepery and women get to ogle young, innocent, buff landscapers deliciously without incident!

That’s the difference.  And what a scam.

Again, women:  the equally guilty.  Yet, accusers of men.

Would women like being accused of pedophilia, and accused so routinely?  Of course they wouldn’t.  And were they accused, and accused as routinely, it wouldn’t take long for it to get old, and for women to become angry and defensive.  Well, it doesn’t take long for it to get old to men, and for them to become angry and defensive, either.

Only, men don’t say anything.  Relying on their sports training they just, deflect, and shut-up.  Modern men are so used to being accused—by the equally guilty, no less!—about other women that they not only feel guilty.  They act guilty.

Men.  Eye-roll.  What a bunch of suckers.

Anyway, here’s where I think strippers can help!

Strippers?  You say.  Yes, of course.  I actually like the term erotic dancers better, but strippers has a certain, panache.  A certain attractive quality I thought perhaps useful, particularly in the title.

Everything about the stripper experience is sexualized.  Hence, men don’t have all the communication problems with strippers that they do with women who aren’t, um, of the pole, shall we say.  Offering plenty of smiles and eye-contact, strippers make men feel good, and secure.  Taking notice of men’s physiques and commenting on their fitness and appearance and attractiveness, strippers are effusively complimentary—if compensated to be so.  Thus, men feel good, and are at ease with strippers.  Secured by the arrangement’s warmth and acceptance, the conversation is thus easy and comforting.

No war-zone here.  This is the green-zone, the safe-zone—full of friendlies!

The environment is so friendly that men can say, “Incidentally, I saw the local high school cheerleading team made the newspaper; they’re all so cute,” and strippers don’t take offense.  No accusations of pedophilic creepiness, no disgusted glares.  In fact, strippers advance the conversation:

“Oh, really?  Cheerleaders in the paper?—that’s interesting.  Do you know someone on the team?”

“No, no.  I just saw them in the paper and was proud of them.  Not everybody makes the paper, you know.”

“No, I guess they don’t.  Nice of you to appreciate the achievements of young women, wink.”

“Why, thank you.  More champagne?”

“Yes, of course.  Aren’t you the gentlemen.  I’m really enjoying our conversation.”

“As am I …”

See how well it works?  See how easy, comfortable?

It’s a lot better than being accused and showered with disgusted creeper glares.

Way better.

Women, um, not of the pole, miss the point of the stripper experience.  They think it’s about the sex for men—scantily clad women accentuating their feminine assets, lap-dances in the Champagne Room, and whatnot.

It is about sex to an extent, admittedly.  But it’s infinitely more about men being able to relax their guard with women and not having to be so wary.  It’s about being able to think like a man, to talk like a man, to behave like a man, and about being treated like a man, and not having to work so hard at conversation.  It’s about setting all the political baggage down and enjoying an open, complimentary, accusation- and glare-free exchange with the opposite sex.

The sexual aspect is actually incidental.

Here’s the point:  strippers aren’t accusatory of men.  They aren’t touchy about young cheerleaders or quick to condemn men of pedophilic creepery, either.  And for their hospitality and understanding, strippers enjoy good, warm relations with men.

Thus, the obvious question:  why don’t women take a cue from strippers and give their men the stripper treatment?  Lap-dances optional, of course.  Before addressing the question, let’s clear-up this cheerleader issue.

Women aren’t really touchy about younger women as it concerns men in general taking notice.  Women couldn’t care less.  Women are touchy about younger women as it concerns their individual men taking notice.  And it isn’t just younger women that women are touchy about, either.

In regards to other women in general—whether they be old, young, cheerleaders, or strippers, the quicker women can accuse and shame their men into not taking notice of or talking about other women, the quicker women can, one, neutralize the emotional threat other women present.  Two, the quicker women can assuage their sub-standard feelings of not-good-enough.  And three, the quicker women can feel in control, secure, and at ease.

That’s what this cheerleader business is all about.

That’s the reasons for the creeper accusation, and for the accusations in regards to other women in general.

So now, the question:  why don’t women take a cue from strippers and give their men the stripper treatment?

Answer:  laziness.  Relational laziness, actually.

Criticizing and accusing men, and using the tactic as a means of control, modern women have decided they don’t have to try relationally.  Condemning and shaming men into compliance is much easier than actually trying to keep them through stripper-like warmth, understanding, and pleasant accommodation.

Thereto, what modern, feminist woman wants to be seen working to keep a man?  What modern woman wants to be labeled a Stepford Wife, perceived as unequal and subservient and weak?  And other than strippers, what modern woman wants to be seen catering to men and treating men how they like to be treated?

Why, that’s a job for those submissive, man-worshiping strippers.

Singer Janis Joplin doesn’t, er, didn’t agree.  Through a rather detailed personal story, she rendered sound advice that modern women need to hear.  Her rather unconventional message was:  women need to try harder.

“If you’re ever gonna’ deserve it, you gotta’ work for it, baby,” she said.  “What’d I tell ya’, honey, you better work your sweet ass for him.”

No doubt modern women would scoff at such ideas—performing so as to be deserving of men, working their sweet asses for them.  But the fact is, strippers are doing it, and they get along with men rather well.

So instead sneering and rolling their eyes, and Hmph!-ing the ideas.  Instead of reaching into the man-control toolbox and making yet another accusation—“Oh, so you’re comparing decent women to strippers?!”—and obscuring and avoiding the point.  Perhaps “decent” women should study strippers and their technique.

Perhaps women should be warmer, more comforting, and try to put their men at ease more commonly.

Instead of getting themselves in a selective and pretend tizzy over the term “cute,” perhaps women should be a little less critical and accusatory.

And indeed, instead of lazily controlling men through criticism and accusation, perhaps women should try a little harder.

Relationship “experts” are prescribing date nights, the deeper expression of feelings, and journal keeping aimed at articulating those feelings so as they can be more deeply expressed.

Well, that’s not my prescription.  Nor Janis’, either.

Those conventional remedies are a load of female-friendly malarkey of which neither I nor men want any part.  Men only endure those sorts of things for being hostage to an unfriendly legal system that all-too-eagerly strips them of their finances and parental rights.  A system presided over by a judge that only needs to hear, “He called high school cheerleaders cute, your honor,” to condemn men of creepery and to pillage the finances and deny the rights.

Hello journal keeping drudgery and the deeper expression of … feelings.

So forget the conventional therapy.  Janis and I are prescribing something that works—women working their sweet asses for their men and trying harder.  Not only would it solve a great many relationship problems.  It would end the need for journal keeping and the deeper expression of … feelings.  Ewww, yuck!

Shiver.

The point isn’t cheerleaders or strippers or accusatory control.  It’s that women have exempted themselves from their role in making relationships work.  Culturally coddled, and spoiled by the useful power of accusation, women have become relationally lazy.

It’s as if there’s a “no compete” clause written into relationships ensuring that women don’t have to compete to keep their men.

Snarling, “Well!  We shouldn’t have to compete to keep our men!” is exactly what women would say, too.  But, who’s responsible for that ridiculous, self-serving idea?

Oh wait, self-serving.  Nevermind.

Contractually, women don’t have to cater to their men, or work to deserve them.  They don’t have to be sexy or sexual.  They don’t have to work their sweet asses, or seduce their men.  They don’t have to be complimentary, or kindly and agreeable and interested in putting their men at ease, either.

In other words, once men are committed, women get to lay-up and don’t have to try—Um, it’s in the contract.  See?  Right there—paragraph B, subsection E.  “No compete.”  Now.  If you say those cheerleaders are cute one more time, asshole …!

And the irony is women expect their men to make them feel like the Queen of the Nile.

Women don’t lose their sexual game; they abandon it.  Because it’s easy to abandon it.  Because their men make it easy to abandon it.  And then the relationship goes south because women spend all their time jealous of other women and accusing their men—while women themselves ogle hunky landscapers!

I bet women could reclaim their sexual game and put on the charm for the hunky landscapers.

What?  Don’t think it’s true?  Why, never doubt me.

©JMW 2017 All Rights Reserved

New Rules Book Cover

New Rules:  Relationship Logic for the Darkside

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feelings and Fact

A woman walks past the mirror.  She stops, examines herself critically and, baselessly and undeservingly so, sighs with disappointment and disapproval.  Then she walks into the den where her husband sits.

Upon entry, the wife pauses.  Sensing purpose, her husband looks at her benignly, innocently.  He wonders:  What have I done now, and how long is this going to take?  But it’s third and goal.  His eyes alternating between his wife and the television set, he finally concedes.

“Yes, dear?” He says, begrudgingly focusing his attention.

“You think I’m ugly,” she says.

Not a question.  A statement.

Our perplexed victim—indeed, victim—sits thinking, What the hell is this all about?!  Mystified and innocent though he is, he’s nonetheless forced into not only explaining how this extreme and baseless accusation is in no way true, but into offering convincing, reassuring evidence to the contrary.  Meanwhile, he misses third and goal, and the failed fourth and goal, too.

And for what reason?

For having feelings projected onto him.  Or, for someone else’s feelings becoming his feelings.

And the phenomenon totally explains this:  10 Ways Husbands Make Their Wives Feel Ugly Without Saying A Thing.  The title of a piece I came across during research.

I’ll bet men didn’t know they could make women feel ugly without saying a thing.  Well, they can!  And here are 10 ways that prove it.  And what’s the title saying?  More pointedly, what are women saying?

Women are blaming men for how they feel.  And it isn’t blame based on what men have said or done, either.  It’s based on what women think men are thinking, despite not knowing what men are actually thinking.  Sound convoluted?  Seem totally unfair, unreasonable?

It is.

But don’t think for a moment women don’t relate warmly to the idea.  Get to the article’s corresponding comment section and you find these remarks:

“This is so spot on!!!!”

“Had my ex’s known this, I probably wouldn’t have had exes!!”

“This article nails it.  I tried to explain this to previous boyfriends; and they do not get it.  Maybe the next one will.”

So what does this mean?  It means women are not only holding men accountable for what they think men are thinking.  They’re punishing men for it, too.

In other words, women walk into the den and say, “You think I’m ugly,” or one of many like accusations.  Then they cultivate a problem based on the charge they, in their minds, have made true, and sooner and later punish men for the crime.

And why wouldn’t women think the charge true and embrace the concept?

There is never any rebuttal to the assertions in these sorts of articles.  Thereto, sharing the same gender-related sentiments, it’s easy for women to agree with the feminine complaints, and to then similarly accuse their own men.  In fact, such articles serve to validate women’s beliefs and accusations.

Ergo, I think women might benefit from a rebuttal, those who’d be open to such a thing, anyway.  So, that’s what this is:  a rebuttal.  A refutation of the ideas put forth in the piece: 10 Ways Husbands Make Their Wives Feel Ugly Without Saying A Thing.  Or one might say, it’s the male perspective.

So, complaint by complaint, here are my thoughts.

1.  He Withholds Compliments.

What’s the core of this issue?   The need for approval—the unending siege that is the perpetual glorifying of women.  Without it, women decide they are underappreciated, undervalued, disrespected, unloved, and of course, ugly.  At least they “feel” ugly—and the rest of these things, too, incidentally.  Of course, men feel undeserving of these indictments.  And indeed, they virtually always are undeserving.

It seems an obvious fact to report but, men and women are totally different creatures.  Only, via their complaints, which are essentially indictments, women try to make men characteristically like them, instead of both realizing and accepting that men are totally different creatures, and instead of allowing men be who they are characteristically.

Given the endless indictments, the characteristic male is clearly unsatisfactory.

The baseline issue here is female insecurity.  It creates the next issue, which is:  the required self-esteem and self-confidence building of women, by men, for that insecurity.  Men aren’t nearly as insecure, and they don’t need the self-esteem and self-confidence reinforcement nearly as much, either—not that they don’t like it, and not that it isn’t required to some extent.  Even so, neither are an issue with men.  Hence, they don’t understand the female need for perpetual compliments and reassurance.

In other words, and simply, the insecurity and need for reassurance are characteristically foreign to men.

So men don’t intend to make women feel “ugly,” and to hurt their feelings—not that men actually participate in that.  Nor do men intend to neglect women’s feelings.  Different creatures, men simply don’t relate to the characteristic needs of women.

And to that, here’s something:  it’s amazing how difficult women find it to give their men a lewd visual once over, and to say wantonly, “My goodness you’re freakin’ hot!  Yes, please!”  Yet how easily, and quickly, and routinely women ask and expect men to do the same for them.

In other words, as to characteristic needs needing to be understood and respected and serviced, it’s a one-way street.

With a rather long list of cues to learn, it is men who are required to do the work in the compliment and reassurance department.  And the problem is, they never seem able to get it right.  If men drop the ball.  If they don’t reply on cue with the required, listed, should’ve been studied and learned response, BAM!  They’re insensitive assholes under attack.

I can’t speak for everyone but, when treated that way, I don’t want to issue compliments.

I think if women leapt down from their feminist steeds, and started lusting over and complimenting their men, instead of issuing demands for compliments, and instead of creating a political mess.  They would see their men become a little more attentive and complimentary.

I mean, that’s what strippers do.  And look how well men respond to them.

2.  He has no pictures of his wife anywhere.

Surprise, surprise.  More female need for male reassurance—Tell me you want to see my face during the day, to be reminded of me, and that I’m special.  But that’s not all there is to this picture issue.

Women want pictures of themselves in their men’s away-from-home environments so as to let all those vixens know their men are spoken for.  A squirt of urine on the office desk or credenza, pictures are women marking their territory.

In other words, it’s female insecurity rearing its ugly head once again.  It comes with an accusation, too, of course, which is:  “Why don’t you have—read: want—pictures of me in your away-from-home environment?”  And the underlying accusation:  “You must not want people—read: other women—to know you’re involved in a relationship!”

And there’s the secondary underlying accusation:  “You must not want people to see whom you’re involved with, because you think I’m ugly!  I knew it—just knew it; I can read your mind.  You think I’m hideous!”

In dealing with this picture issue, I again offer the obvious:  men are different characteristic creatures.

Men don’t care about pictures!  That’s it.  That’s all there is to it.  They don’t have one thought about the absence or presence of pictures.  And if men do have photographs on their desks or credenzas, they don’t look at them as women do—with the frowny aww! faces and cozy feelings.

For men, it’s like, “Yeah, that’s my wife, Kim.  That’s us in Cancun last year.  Do you have that report, by the way?  Thanks.  And tell Jim I need to see him.”

And why are men this way?

Because they aren’t women!  Again, it seems an obvious point.  It also seems men would be—like women, with their frowny aww! faces and cozy feelings—entitled to behave characteristically without condemnation.

If women want their men to have pictures in their away-from-home environments, women should buy the frames, insert the pictures, squirt pee on them to ward off the vixens, and give them to their men for display.  Men would be happy to exhibit the prepared photographs.  And given the scent, they’d be happy to pick them up for the occasional, lascivious whiff, too.

Why?

Because men actually do like to look up now and again to see their women, so as to fantasize about them in the missionary position, and about what they’re going to do to them when they get home.  So ladies, make it a hot picture, for chrissake.

3.  He Gawks (at other women) frequently.

One word for this complaint:  please.  It’s appalling, actually.  The fraud, that is.  Like men, women are sexual beings subject to the laws of attraction and desire, too.  They sit in their cliques discussing cute guys.  They ogle the dreamy guy at the bar, at the office.  Basically, women make sex-based evaluations of men daily, and everywhere they go.

Yet, they accuse their men of gawking at women.

Like I said, it’s appalling.  Even more appalling is that men would allow themselves to feel guilty.  “Duh-duh-duh … but honey, I wasn’t looking at her!”

Please.

It is true, actually.  Women don’t “gawk” so much.  They’re much more creative than that, much more discreet.  But then, it wouldn’t matter if they did gawk.  Because their men, and men in general, neither make a study of what or whom attracts and holds their women’s attention nor an issue of it.  So women are free to keep up the ruse, and free to continue the accusations.

Thereto, were men to behave like women and to do the same thing, they’d not only be called oppressive.  Women would think they were insecure wussies, too, which would actually be true.

So by no stretch of the imagination are men the only gawkers.  Women are evaluating other men every bit as much and men evaluate other women.  It’s just, were that known, women would lose the power of accusation and the element of control.

And women claim their men gawking at other women hurts their feelings, and that it’s one of the ways men make them “feel ugly without saying a thing.”  Really?

Well, women do the same thing, how are men supposed to feel?

Gawking, more discreet.  What’s the difference?

The whole thing seems rather, hypocritical.

4.  He never gives her gifts.

Starting to notice a pattern?  Yes.  It’s yet more female need for male approval.  Thereto, notice how the lack of male reassurance translates automatically into disapproval?  No modifiers.  No gray area.  Just straight to loveless disapproval and not good enough.

Men feel like climbing atop Everest so that not only the punishing conditions, the strenuous effort, and the danger can prove them, but so that reaching the summit they can scream:  I APPROVE OF YOU, FOR CHRISSAKE!  LET THIS BE THE GIFT THAT PROVES IT SO!!

After, and as a final convincer and for lasting impression, men should plop-down in exhaustion and, for the thin air of altitude, begin wheezing.

And about these gifts.  What are we talking, flowers and candy?  A sweet card for no reason?  A new blouse, perhaps?  How about the gift of a woman’s total sexual pleasure, no reciprocation required?  Well, never mind that one.  Women just eye-rolled it, anyway.

Female naggy voice:  “It’s always about sex with men.  Always!”  And of course, everybody knows sex is for men’s benefit.  It’s a reward, actually.  For all the gifts.  All the gifts men are clearly—thrusting my forehead towards #4—failing to provide.  No wonder men are complaining about sex.

How about these gifts:  loyalty?  Security?  Being a terrific father?  Taking care of things around the home?  Being ambitious and a hard worker?  Being decent, considerate?  Being a man of honor and integrity and reputation?  Or in my case, being an especially patient and skilled paramour with unsurpassed, toe-curling stamina?

That’s a lot of gifts!  Problem is women don’t consider them.  Self-absorbed, they miss the substance for concentrating on the 20% they aren’t receiving.  A 20% that, when actually provided, the meaning and value of which lasts about 30 minutes, before women are again dwelling on and complaining about the 20%.

Women should consider the 80% and the substance more.  They might not feel so ugly.

5.  He constantly looks at his phone.

Although I think it’s ridiculous to correlate “feeling ugly” with men looking at their phones, women obviously do it.  And here’s an interesting tidbit in regards to this complaint:  women “feel ugly” for men looking at their phones, and women accuse men of looking at their phones constantly, while women themselves sit constantly looking at their phones.

I think the goal at the end of each day for women is to see how many accusations they can make against their men.  In doing so, accusation becoming such a habit, women fail to realize how often they are actually guilty of their own accusations.  And men, gullible souls that they are, fail to realize it, too.

Nevertheless, the use of modern technology doesn’t send any messages, doesn’t translate into anything relationally detrimental.  Although, I do think phones could be tucked away on date night so a little more communication and unification could take place.

6.  He can’t just cuddle.

Well, perhaps if women were banging their men more often, men would want to cuddle more.

The line in the piece was, “So when a man wants sex and only sex, his wife feels used—like an appliance—because he only sees her as having one function.”

“… his wife feels …”  Sort of reiterates the problem, no?

I’m sorry—read: I’m not sorry, but sex is a pretty big function in a relationship, one women aren’t performing, or at least aren’t performing enough.  And is it really such the offense that a man, feeling his woman’s body next to him, is so overcome with desire that he wants to take her?

I’m sorry—still don’t mean it—but, I’d say that’s a compliment!  And a woman being familiar, aged, not so fit, and after years of marriage still considered hot enough to obviously turn a man on and to warrant his affections?

On men’s behalf, I’d say to women: You’re welcome!

And women claim they “feel ugly” because men don’t want to cuddle.  Yet women complain cuddling always turns into sex for their men wanting! to have sex with them.

Yeah, that translates into ugly—yes, more sarcasm.  As if, men want to have sex with “ugly” trolls they find hideous and revolting.

Women want desperately to be attractive and sexually desirable to men, and spend considerable time and energy and money achieving the result.  And men are actually desiring women in the ways they want to be desired.  Yet women feel ugly, and like an appliance.

Honestly, women need to get their act together.

7.  He eats the last cupcake so she won’t.

So women are food Nazis sensitive about their weight, and intensely self-conscious about their bodies.

Who knew.

Men eat the last cupcake to help women in their war against food, and to prevent its assault on their bodies—I can’t believe I actually typed that.  Men are attentive, in that they encourage women by purchasing a gym membership for them or by setting their sneakers out, both in support of yet another certain-to-go-unmet commitment to exercise and to lose weight.

And yet, women feel ugly as a result.

Isn’t it obvious that women are incapable of ever thinking their men have good, supportive intentions?  Thereto, they make this continual fuss about their weight, dieting, exercise, and getting their bodies back.  And when men try to be supportive, it makes women feel ugly?

Again, on men’s behalf, I’d say to women:  You’re welcome!

Nevertheless, let’s address an uncomfortable issue.

I’d like it if he were trimmer and more muscular, more visually appealing; it would turn me on more, and I would be prouder of him.  Looking at their men, their men pot-bellied and flabby and not-so-fit, do women think this?

They won’t admit it, but of course they do.

I’d like it if she were trimmer and more fit, more visually appealing; it would turn me on more, and I would be prouder of her.  Likewise, do men think this looking at their not-so-fit women?

Of course men do, and they won’t admit it, either.

So there.  The truth is on the table.

Now.  Unless a particular man or woman is shallow, both realize they care about their partner for reasons other than their less than fit appearance.  Each would prefer a lither, more visually appealing partner, but their partners not being so isn’t a deal-breaker.  It just isn’t … optimum.

Hence, each overlook the less than fit appearance for the more meaningful substance, and perhaps for love.

Now then.  Everybody in the same boat, all can be less than fit, at ease, and happy.

The ways in which women’s body issues cripple relationships are too many to count.  They create “ugly” in their minds, and then project all those feelings onto men and into the relationship.  The practice creating severe dysfunction, women should cease with the body issue drama.

8.  He prefers all things mancave.

Men prefer the mancave?  Why, I wonder why that might be?  Perhaps men are seeking isolation in the mancave for women criticizing and accusing them all the time.  Instead of equating men’s retreat to the mancave to an admission of their ugliness, perhaps women should evaluate that alternative.

In fact, considering their critical and accusatory treatment, perhaps women are indeed ugly, or are at least being ugly.

This complaint isn’t so much about women feeling ugly as it is about separation anxiety.  The longer women remain with their men, and the stronger feelings and attachment become, the more afraid women are of losing their men.  Thus, women continually think love and the relationship are both dying.  Men are disconnecting emotionally, and are less interested.  And including trips to the mancave, everything men do is seen as the next step in an ultimate separation they are secretly deliberating and plotting.  And of course, women able to read men’s minds, this must be so.

It’s just another example of women creating unnecessary problems and friction for the way they “feel.”  It’s yet another instance of women making men choose:  me or it!  And it’s yet another instance where men have to prove their devotion by choosing me, and not it, which in this case is:  the mancave.

“Well, why don’t we watch a movie in the mancave, dear?”

“You don’t want to be with me.”

“I just said, Let’s watch a movie.”

“Just forget it!”  You’re choosing it, not me.

It’s a nightmare.

Here’s the correct reply:  “A movie?  Great idea, honey!  Can we have sex beforehand?”

Why, yes we can, dear.  Yes-we-can.  You’re the best wife ever, by the way.

9.  He doesn’t mind when other men give his wife attention.

So, men aren’t jealous enough.  It’s yet another example of not only female insecurity, but of women expecting men to be characteristically like them.  Only, and I repeat, men aren’t like women.

Women are the jealous gender, not men.  And women aren’t merely jealous.  They’re intensely jealous, and they want men to be jealous, too, er, like them.  The questions is: why would women want their men to exhibit jealousy, when in fact women think jealous men are insecure and unattractive?

Women despise jealous men!  So then, an exhibition of male jealousy might be endearing to women a time or two but, eventually, they’re going to give it the ol’ resting bitch face and nostril flare.

The point merely emphasizes the need for women to think things through instead of giving-in to their emotional impulses so readily.  If men don’t get jealous when other men give their women attention, it doesn’t mean that men are indifferent and don’t care.  It means, men don’t give-in to their emotional impulses and automatically assign ill-intent and distrust to the situation.

And who does that?

Women.  Because they want men to be like them, but only on rare occasion, when women feel needy, and not very often, so that it’s creepy and unmanly, else men get the resting bitch face and nostril flare.

In other words, let’s all sit around reacting to women’s emotional impulses while we try to figure out what they really want.  I’m looking around, ladies; I don’t see any enthusiasm for it.

Regardless of gender, jealousy isn’t a sign of confidence, and it isn’t attractive.  And indeed, it makes one ugly.

10.  He speaks more favorably of other women than his wife.

Per the piece, here’s what men do that makes women feel ugly:  “When a wife overhears her husband refer to the lady next door as “gorgeous” and the gal in accounting as “brilliant”—two words he has never said to her—she will feel anything but beautiful. This is especially true when Miss Gorgeous and Miss Brilliant are acquaintances of the couple, not mere images out of Hollywood.”

One, such things said about other women doesn’t make a wife ugly.  And two, men come on to their own women, too, repeatedly saying the exact same things, as in “gorgeous” and “brilliant.” Only, women discount and ignore the come-ons and compliments for not feeling so gorgeous and brilliant themselves, and for deeming their men disingenuous.

In other words, women don’t hear the come-ons and compliments, as in take them to heart, and they don’t give men credit.  Because, given women have convinced themselves they aren’t gorgeous and brilliant, their men were then insincere and didn’t—couldn’t!—actually mean the come-ons and compliments.  And then, men have their come-ons and compliments discounted and ignored so much, and so often, that they stop offering them.

What good does it do? men say.  Where’s the benefit for them?

There is no benefit.  Despite compliments of other women being justified and a simple acknowledgement of fact, women aren’t going tolerate their men complimenting other women.  As long as women feel terrible about themselves there shall be no compliments issued to other women, ever!

End of discussion!

Now, that is ugly.

***

So there you go—the male rebuttal.  Strip all this down and it’s a bunch of complaints that amount to a constant need for more security.  Go ahead, review them.  Check my charge.

In each instance women try to make men feel like them, and to make men see things as women see them.  Meanwhile, women insinuate men are insensitive and wrong for being characteristic men, men who need to start doing things the correct way, relationally speaking, which is of course making women feel more secure and less ugly.

Of course, the underlying problem is trust.  Women distrust men.  Otherwise, they wouldn’t be essentially accusing men of so many evils, deeds that make women feel “ugly,” or more to the point, insecure.  Only, men aren’t evil.  They just aren’t women.  They don’t have the emotional hang-ups that women endure.  They don’t think like women or behave the way women behave, either.

Men are just different creatures.  It’s a silly example but, we don’t ask a dog to be a cat, or a hummingbird to be a hawk.  We don’t ask one of our children to be more like another.  We’re all unique.  Creatures are unique.  Men are unique, characteristically unique, separate and apart from women.  Yet, men are being made villains for the way they behave and react, for the way they see and do things naturally, characteristically.  Like demanding the dog stop barking and start meowing, men are being demanded of to become something other than what they are naturally.

It’s absurd.  And unfortunately, too many men not only tolerate being villainized.  They actually change into something uncharacteristic and unrecognizable.  And why?  For the constant accusations and pressure.  For the continual dysfunction.  And for being made to feel like assholes by women all the time.

To please women and to end the suffering, men stop barking and start meowing.

The question is:  why isn’t the shoe on the other foot?  Why aren’t women asked to better understand men?  To think like men?  To behave like men?  To cater to men’s needs?  And to uncharacteristically meow instead of bark?

Because unlike women, men don’t want that, and thus aren’t demanding that.

It’s an ugly truth, one perhaps women should not only acknowledge, but emulate.

Feelings and fact.  There is a vast difference between them.

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New Rules Book Cover

New Rules:  Relationship Logic for the Darkside

 

What Women Do Wrong

Although my literary work on relationships has, to this point at least, been aimed at men.  It isn’t at all difficult for female readers to learn what they need to know about themselves from the material, and about their role in relational difficulties.  Explaining to men in explicit detail how women make relationships problematic, the role of women, it would seem, is being made abundantly clear.

So women having read my material, and yet asking me for a more direct appeal to them, as in, “Tell us women what we should know,” I admit to being perplexed.  Actually, the request gave me pause.  I thought, Oh sure.  Women want me to directly indict them so they can kick my ass in the village square! 

The truth is, I typically avoid talking directly with women about themselves and relationship matters.  Why?

Because women get defensive when you’re critical of them.  That’s why!

“But-but, men do this!” and “men do that!” women say.  Discussions are fruitless, usually.  Somewhere in the middle you find yourself thinking:  Why, this conversation has turned into a real marriage.

Not all women are this way but, frankly, the percentage is too high and it just isn’t worth the gamble.

Although, if there is one medium through which I might attempt to address women more directly, as in, Here’s What You Do Wrong, Ladies, it’s writing.  Writing a message one isn’t standing in front of an audience of women and exposed to stinging glares and pursed lips.  One doesn’t have to take questions, either, or to endure defensive rebuttals, hecklers, or a collective attack.  Sitting behind the keyboard one is insulated from all that.

So, it’s with this rather comforting degree of separation that I offer the upcoming.  Following is a direct appeal to women regarding some primary issues of theirs that, when addressed and repaired, will bring about immediate improvement in their relationships with men.

Let’s begin with this baseline issue:

Women are unbearably self-conscious.

Their appearance, their bodies, their image—driven by insecurity and vanity, life is one giant political nightmare for women, a daily and unending siege that results in emotional imbalance.  Women are up; they’re down.  They feel good about themselves; they feel bad.  A fundamental and primary issue, the self-consciousness has a direct effect on relationships, and specifically men.

How so?

Essentially, women hand men their self-consciousness baggage:  I don’t feel pretty; make me feel pretty.  I feel unloved, not good enough; make me feel loved and good enough.  Men say “I love you” and “you are beautiful” and “you’re more than good enough” a thousand times over, but it doesn’t matter.  If it mattered, it wouldn’t need repeating and reproving.

I know, I know.  It matters, ladies.  Temporarily, at least.

It is as if women continuously push their men toward an obvious truth that needs to be finally acknowledged, which is:  I’m undesirable, and you can’t love or want me.  So, just admit it!  Have an affair.  Leave me for another woman, a prettier woman, and prove me right.  Put me out of my misery, damn you! 

 Yeah, like, that’s attractive, ladies.

Like, that kindles and maintains a fire in the ol’ loins.

Like, men want to wake-up to shoveling women out from under their insecurities and miseries, and to the daily drudgery of reassurance and self-esteem building.

Like, it’s okay that you say, “Well, that’s just how women are made!”

Like, not.

Bottom line:  men aren’t baggage handlers.

In fact, let’s reverse this phenomenon.  How attractive are insecure men, ladies?

Yeah, that’s the point.  Neither are you.

The difference is it’s expected of women, and tolerated.

How ‘bout some damn confidence, ladies?!  Pretend if you have to, which should be easy given you’re the best actors on the planet.

What?  You disagree?

Eh-hm.  Exhibit A:  red-faced and yelling, my wife can be blind with anger toward me.  Were the doorbell to ring, she can walk to the door, open it, and immediately change into an entirely new persona.  Smiling and bright, she’s suddenly Mary Poppins:  “Hi, Becky!  How are you?  Girl, come on in!”

There’s not a trace of anger!

And as my wife and Becky transition into the sitting room, my wife, while sounding all sunny and bright, can secretly shoot me the most ghastly glare at the same time.

“Would you like something to drink, Becks?—death glare!  Daggers-daggers!!

It’s amazing!

Although the instantaneous and seamless Jekyll and Hyde transitioning concerns me, I have to admit admiring my wife’s control.  And in fact, I don’t dare answer the door when I’m angry, because I’m a terrible pretender.

Becky takes one look at me and says, “Uh, is this a bad time?  I’ll come back later.”

So, women are masters of make believe!

Respect, incidentally.

Thus, feigning some damn confidence ought to be a walk in the park for women.  So try it, ladies.  Stop with the unbearable self-consciousness.  Forget about the appearance, the body, the image-related stuff.  Women advise men not to try and be cool when interacting with women, and to just be themselves.  Women should take their own advice and cease with the self-conscious politics.

Make believe you’re Jennifer Aniston or whichever beautiful celebrity women wish they could be these days.  I think you’ll be amazed at, one, how well you adapt.  And two, at how well men respond.

Accusation 

Huge problem, ladies.  Yuuge!  Relationally speaking, every dispute is lined with an accusation.  What does this mean exactly?  It means, in spite of all the additional, inapplicable drama, every fight has a specific, baseline accusation.  Fights erupt and turn into a buffet of issues, when in fact, there’s only one issue.  It’s the accusation.  Or, the real problem.

Disputes are about accusation, which takes the form of criticism, too, incidentally, and women level a lot more of both.

I wrote a chapter in my book entitled The Perpetual Villain.  The basic point is:  by virtue of the plentiful criticisms and accusations issued by their women, men are considered a relationship’s constant evildoer.  Or let’s say, it’s implied.

Men are always doing something wrong—not saying what they’re expected to say, not saying something the correct way, not saying it often enough, not being “present,” not caring or doing enough, looking at other women, and, well, I’m only just beginning this extremely long list and am already annoyed.

Thereto, men can prove themselves loyal, considerate partners for decades.  Yet even decades-in to a relationship, women readily issue criticisms and accusations as if their men have been everything but loyal, considerate partners for decades.

Basically, men are constant parolees in relationships.  Entering the relationship they were decided criminals with long rap-sheets, and every moment since they’ve been under the watchful eye of their women, their parole officers, anticipating the next violation.

So then, do women respect their men?

Well, let’s see?  Men are deemed villains, their every step monitored as if the next misstep is a forgone conclusion.  This the undeniable premise, how is respect possible?  It isn’t possible.

Villains can’t be respected.  They’re villains!

Can you see how men might feel this way, ladies?

Further, I guess we can say it’s men, not women, who are actually being “disrespected.” Can’t we?

Why, I believe we can.  Yes!

And then men grow tired of the disrespect, tired of being criticized and accused, and tired of visits to the parole office.  Fully fatigued and justifiably annoyed, they leave the relationship, and women are shocked.

“What an asshole!” women say to their girlfriends, sobbing.  Oh, I hear you girl!  C’mere.  I’m so sorry.

Really?  Asshole?  Seems to me the designation better suits the parole officers.

The point, ladies, is to change your perspective.  Instead of employing the self-fulfilling, relationship sabotaging perpetual villain mindset to a man’s every word and deed, think:  this man cares about me, wants the best for me, wants to take care of me, and wants to see me happy.  And considering he keeps pawing at me, he obviously desires me, and perhaps I need to bang him harder and waaay more often—the last was to engender favor from men.

But seriously, you need to do it.

Again, reverse the roles in this perpetual villain phenomenon.  Do women want men assessing their every word and behavior with a guilty first and proof of innocence required mindset?

Yeah, that’s the point.  Men don’t like it, either.  It’s tiresome.

So, no more accusing and criticizing.  To control the accusing and criticizing, how about this novel idea:  trust your men, believe them.  It’s crazy, I know.  But, give it a try.

Comparing your relationship to everyone else’s.

Who doesn’t want the best, most flattering image of themselves put forward?  And so, that’s what people see.  It’s what is behind the image; that’s what we’re interested in.  Take Susan for example.

Susan is extremely attractive, gets all those goofy comments from men on social media for it, too:  “You’re so hot!”  “Yum!”  Heart emojis and the like.  The fact is, Susan is totally insecure.  A cleansing of self-doubt, the photos and subsequent male praise are like dialysis for her.

Thereto, I want to say, Dudes.  With those type comments, you literally have no chance—no chance at all.  Now, were a man to respond, “You’re hot.  But you’re not the hottest women I’ve ever seen.”  Susan can’t wait to convince him he’s wrong.

Look, I didn’t make the rules, ladies.  I’ve just read the rulebook.

Nevertheless, the relative point about Susan are the pictures she posts of herself and her men—her husbands, in fact.  Well, ex-husbands.

The pair posing together for a selfie over an expensive lunch at an exclusive restaurant—the restaurant’s high-profile name clearly visible in the photo of course, which is part of the image-manufacturing process, incidentally—the caption underneath reads:  “Me and the best man on earth having lunch at Del Quavos,” or wherever.

The Del Quavos menu not-so-inconspicuously worked into the selfie, you’d think identifying the restaurant twice wouldn’t be required.  But hey, when manufacturing an image, it pays to be thorough.

Anyway, the visual message is:  my man and my relationship are awesome!  I’m living the high-life, one all you average daydreamers only wish you could live.  Did you notice the menu, by the way?  Del Quavos?  You should’ve.  I mean, I worked it into the post twice, for chrissake.  So, aren’t you jealous?

And it’s amazing how many women are indeed jealous.

Next thing you know, the average daydreamers are upstairs glaring at their own men, who are watching the game.  “We never go anywhere!” they say.  “You never take me anywhere nice to eat, like, Del Quavos!  All you do is watch sports!”

Only, here are the facts about Susan:  she’s a nightmare to live with.  Honestly?  A total, self-interested, self-serving bitch.  Several husbands and the court records prove it.

So in other words, Susan puts on a fake selfie smile—the uniform one, like the standing–slightly bent knee–hand-on-hip pose every woman not-so-naturally-or-uniquely assumes—and after snapping the picture, she instantaneously loses the fake smile and returns to being her normal, bitchy self.  “Use your napkin, asshole.  I swear, you’re such a rube … disgusted eyeroll.”

Next stop:  divorce court.  Susan wiping a tear, “Yes, your honor.  He treated me like dirt, always talking down to me.  It was  … sniff, sniff … emotional abuse.”

The point is, all isn’t what it seems.  I mean, it should be a dead giveaway that all isn’t as it seems considering people look a whole lot more attractive on social media than in person.  So, stop the comparisons, ladies.  Start living in your own sphere.  Enjoy it.  Nurture it.  Protect it.  It’s likely a waaay better environment in which to reside, anyway.

Put it this way:  if everybody threw their problems, or in this case their so called “wonderful lives,” in a community pile where all could be examined, people would grab their own miserable lives and leave.

Love 

Here’s the problem:  women are defining what love means relationally.  And if that self-serving standard isn’t being met by their men, then women consider themselves in loveless relationships.

And to the problem, here is a not so readily acknowledged fact:  men and women express love differently.

For example:  her children older and more independent, my empty-nesting mother with more time and less responsibility, was languishing—otherwise known as boredom.  So, she wanted to work outside the home.

Now.  In the first expression of male love, my dad—self-employed, working long days, and a man of considerable responsibility—wanted my mother to be well and happy.  So, he approved of her getting a job.  Concerned, encouraging, supportive—the approval is male love being, if inconspicuously, expressed.

In the second expression of male love, once my mother started working, my dad—again, an extremely busy man with considerable responsibility—had dinner cooked when mom came home from work.  The consideration, inconspicuous though it is again, is yet another expression of male love.  And there are many like examples.

In an example of how women don’t interpret male love, there’s this:  Sosha and Rick had a big fight.  Over what?  Rick not showing Sosha enough attention.  Sosha probably saw one of these broads on social media with such the “wonderful life,” and got her cheekies wedged too tightly.  So, she started a fight.

It having snowed several inches overnight, Rick rose early the next morning—after sleeping  on his side of the bed, incidentally—and shoveled the walk of snow, the driveway, and also cleaned Sosha’s car and warmed it up.  Enter:  Sosha.

Sosha, dressed to the nines for work in her stylish and for-the-occasion calfboots, marches out the door with briefcase and latte in hand.  Chin insolently high, she strides defiantly down the shoveled walk to her waiting and cozy car and, on her way, ignores the frozen, red-cheeked and snot-nosed snow removal person.

And why did she ignore Rick?

Because, despite the red-cheeks and snotty nose on her behalf, Rick still wasn’t showing her enough attention.  And yes—she got in her car, put it in drive, and roared angrily down the driveway.

Now, the difference between Rick and me is, when Sosha got in the car, and having ignored my strenuous and attentive efforts on her behalf, I would have thrown a heaping shovel of snow on her windshield.  And as she tried to wiper it off, I would’ve thrown more.  In fact, I would’ve feverishly tried to rebury the car.

But that’s me, not Rick.

Not saying a word, Rick likely did the wise thing because, at some point during her day, having fully and finally processed the morning events, Sosha probably felt guilty.  Most assuredly, that works to Rick’s advantage, who was probably properly banged when Sosha came home.

Guilt sex.  Now there’s an uninhibited romp.

With me, you process more quickly or your car gets feverishly reburied in snow.

Men don’t complain about not being shown enough attention by their women, or about not being loved sufficiently.  And if they did, women would become nauseous for suddenly finding themselves in a lesbian relationship.  Having to fulfill the female definition of love, and having to continually prove and to reprove their love, men are the ones constantly studying and learning the female language of love.  They’re the ones always performing so as to not only meet the standards of love, but to prove themselves worthy of it.

Meanwhile, women couldn’t care less about the love language men speak.  Women don’t burden themselves with such trivialities, which is why they can’t interpret the language, and never bother.

It’s selfish and inconsiderate, ladies, and I’d rebury your car in snow.

Sex is a problem in relationships because women make it a problem.

Incessantly pawing at their women and pining for sex, men certainly aren’t the problem.  Women becoming lazy towards sex and politicizing it; that’s the problem.

Sexual laziness is one thing, which is much to do with plain old familiarity.  But the politicization, now there’s a complex issue.

There are all sorts of reasons women politicize sex.  Body image is one.  Youthful and inexperienced, and their bodies tight and lithe and supple, women don’t have significant body image issues.  Let the mileage accumulate, however, and with each critical look into the mirror, with each trip aboard the bathroom scale, and with each passing day measuring themselves against an impossible cultural standard of beauty, the issues emerge.

Or, the politics emerge.

For the politics, it isn’t long before the flaw-concealing benefits of absolute darkness become sexual protocol.  It isn’t long before cuddling is outlawed, or at least strictly controlled, for fear men might feel women’s “problem areas.”  It isn’t long before the cheeky and cleavage-inspiring tank-top hit the drawer for the more concealing and more emotionally comforting t-shirt and sweatpants.  Thus, it isn’t long before women are offended by young women wearing cheekies and cleavage-inspiring tank-tops.

And finally, it isn’t long before women are disengaged sexually and, like actress Kirstie Alley, not wanting to have fat sex.

In other words, it isn’t long in a relationship before the sexual nightmare begins for men.

Of course, there’s all the associated diet business men have to endure, too, and don’t want to endure.  The endless weight-consciousness.  The caloric-counting.  The endless goal-setting that never sees any actual movement toward the goal.  The bingeing and guilt.  The inconspicuous grazing to appear diet conscious, yet ultimately eating the same amount as always, only less-conspicuously.

Basically, food takes over the relationship.  Women give more time and energy and attention to food, and to its punishing effects on their bodies, than—?  Well, than anything!  Women are consumed by it all.  And never pleased with what they see, there certainly isn’t any time, energy, and attention paid to sexual theatre of any sort, certain aspects of which would actually burn calories and offset the punishing effects, incidentally.

Nevertheless, careers and children cause the further politicization of sex.  Working women are too exhausted for sex.  Not to mention guilt-ridden.

Guilt-ridden?  You ask.  Why, certainly.

With careers, and with ignored housework for those careers, women are neglecting their children and subsequently racked with guilt.  And of course, dad—the inconsiderate asshole—doesn’t help out enough, which would serve to alleviate the workload and these awful feelings of neglect.

Does anybody assess dad’s contributions?  Is anyone concerned about his stresses and workload?  No.  Wanting sex all the time, he obviously needs more to do.  If he contributed as much as women, he wouldn’t want sex so much, and would totally understand the exhaustion and guilt.

And considering all of these politic issues, what do we have?

A political nightmare.  And who’s responsible for the politics and the nightmare?

Not men.  Although, it would certainly be argued.

So let’s assume women take responsibility for their, um, role in the sex problem.  I could’ve straightly said, take responsibility for the sex problem, but I didn’t.  Avoiding blame and suggesting shared responsibility—even though it isn’t—engenders goodwill and promotes a positive response.  How strategic of me.

Nevertheless, women want to take responsibility and want to do their part.  In terms of doing their part, here’s a fresh bit of news, ladies:  when it comes to your men, it isn’t just about “doing your wifely duty” and the sex.  Not by a longshot.

On virtually every idea relational, men are constantly short-sold by women.  In other words, having no depth, men are the shallowest form of everything.

Inapplicable example:  men can only care about and love women with flawless bodies.

Wrong.  Men tell women over and over that they love them, and that they don’t care about flawless bodies.  It just falls on deaf ears and has to be repeated.

An applicable example:  all men want is sex; it’s purely about the sex.

Wrong.  Way wrong.

It isn’t just about the sex, ladies.  It’s about deliriously wanton eye contact—that reckless, lustful, won’t be denied look you render once or twice a month when, cyclically induced, you’re horny.  It’s about being touchy—overly touchy, as in, Let me see what you have in there!  It’s about lewd dialogue, and saying naughty things.  It’s about pulling men into the laundry room just because, and jerking them off—Honey?!  What’re you do … ?  Are you sure we … ?  Why, what’s gotten into you, dear?

 And there’s usually towels in there, so …

It’s about pretending insatiability and sexual hunger.  And yes, pretending.  Fact is, unless you’re a nympho, nobody has sex on their mind so often so as to not have to sometimes pretend.  And again, women are great at pretending!

The trick is to throw yourself into you role and to be convincing.  Women want men to constantly make them feel desirable.  Well, damn!  When did men stop needing and deserving less of that?  And why do you think men have affairs, anyway?  Because some skank makes them feel desirable.  That’s why.

C’mon!  This is simple stuff.

I’m sorry ladies (meaning: I’m not sorry) but, everybody knows women, their bodies, and sex are the attraction.  Thus, it’s your job to keep it hot, ladies, and you don’t have to be flawless, either.

Actually, keeping it hot presents the real problem for women.

A problem?  You ask.

Oh yes.  Most men don’t know how to respond to excessive, aggressive sexual attention.  So if women keep it hot, they potentially subject themselves to nauseating phone calls from delirious men four and five times a day.  Men are so accustomed to begging and to being denied that, when they’re properly and routinely and adventurously serviced, they get all sappy and goofy acting.

It’s something to consider, ladies.  Else, you find yourself rolling your eyes and flaring your nostrils in disgust when the phone rings … for the fifth time:

Men all tender sounding:  “Hey baby, what’re you doing?”

“Um, the same thing I was doing 20-minutes ago, dear … eyeroll, flaring nostrils.

Anyway, in regards to pretending, here’s the idea for all those visual learners.  Or should I say, here’s the proper attitude.  Go ahead.  Take a look, and go fullscreen.  As usual, we’ll all! wait on you.

What?  You don’t look like Izabel, you say?  So … what?  Not looking like her excuses the effort?  Rather than criticize your men for appreciating the seduction, and rather than accuse them of enjoying it, how ‘bout making an attempt.

Instead of being so self-conscious and self-absorbed, and instead of manufacturing all the reasons men don’t deserve sex, women need to consider all these pearls I humbly offer.  And here’s something else women might ponder:  men could explain all this sexual business to their individual women verbatim—and everything else in this essay, for that matter.  Although their men would be just as correct as me, hearing it from their men would piss women off.

Hearing it from me, however, women not only take note.  They’re warm and welcoming to the ideas.  And here’s the sad reality:  I’m not wearing their wedding ring, or the father of their children, or the one they supposedly “love.”  They’re pissed off at that guy for being honest, for trying to improve the relationship, for desiring them, and for being correct, for chrissake.

There’s something wrong with that.

Worse, pissed off at their men, women would start an unnecessary war.  It would be several days of not speaking, several days of women walking around the house whistling happy, if unrecognizable tunes, pretending to be unaffected by the awkward and unnecessary silence that they provoked.  And after the problem is finally addressed, women will ask men to apologize for their part in the unnecessary war women began!

And men’s part?

Again:  being honest, trying to improve the relationship, and being correct, for chrissake.

There’s something wrong with that.

In regards to sex, ladies, cease with the politics and whistling.  It’s pretty nice to have a man want you so badly, and to be so obvious about it.  So, get in the game.

Just be prepared for the five-a-day phone calls.

Honesty and Communication

There is indeed a communication problem in relationships.  It’s women; they’re the problem.  Yet, who gets accused of poor communication, and is to blame for the same?

Men.

How convenient.  How … consistent.

And by whom are men accused?  The problem.

Isn’t that just terrific.

Women tell men they want more honesty from them, more open communication.  Yet when women get the honest communication they supposedly crave so badly, they get their feelings hurt and turn nasty.

The result?  Men cease with the honesty and communication.

Pretty simple, isn’t it?

Where it concerns their women and honest—read: direct—communication, most men live in a perpetual state of wariness.  Why the perpetual state of caution?  Because men are routinely criticized, accused, and berated for what they say.  In other words, what men say has to be femininely filtered for approval.

And what is this essentially?  Well, it’s certainly not open dialogue.

Ultimately, it’s communication control.

Women claim to want honesty from men, and more communication, but what they really want is for men to tell them what they want to hear in the way they want to hear it.  The real culprit in these communication difficulties is feelings—women’s feelings, to be specific.

More emotional, women interpret things differently than men—profoundly different, in fact.  Jostle those sensitivities the slightest bit, and the comment or idea gets interpreted as a personal attack, one that won’t be tolerated.  Self-critical, and living in perpetual guilt, women are beyond quick to defense.

The answer to this problem, ladies?  Pretend—which you’re great at, by the way—you’re a relationship counselor gathering information and getting to a problem’s baseline.  A counselor, you disconnect yourself emotionally.  You ask concerned and direct questions, and don’t feel one way or the other about the responses.  A counselor, you don’t get your feelings in the way, and thus avoid retarding the answers and stifling the problem-solving process.  A counselor, you listen and actually hear.

And then, having gathered the data, sequester yourself and do what you always do:  process.

Communication descends into conflict because women get offended and hotly defensive.  And of course, that happens so often that men would rather lie to spare themselves the grief, and not communicate with women at all.

Result?  Poor communication and accumulating distrust.

Personally, I push through all these barriers to communication.  If I’m in a relationship where I can’t be honest, and where I can’t then get anything productive accomplished, then that relationship is not only a prison, but a loser.

And I want out.  In fact, I’m getting out!

Most men aren’t like me, however.  They’ll stick around forever having their meals brought to them in their cells.  Thus, if you want to refresh communications, ladies, you have to be the ones to advance the ball.

Stop thinking men have it out for you, and that they want to assault your feelings.  Honesty is not an assault; it’s a cure.  So open the cell doors.  Encourage deep, unflinching honesty.

It will require some acclimation, certainly, but I think you’ll like the results.

***

So before I finish, one last point.  Having read my latest manuscript, New Rules, my sister, staring significantly at me, said, “I want to tell you something about your book.”

I braced.

“It took alotta balls to right that book,” she followed.  Then, nodding slowly for emphasis, “Alotta balls!”

Now.  Given the book is honest, and given the information within is honest, too.  Doesn’t the fact it takes “alotta balls” to be honest with women demonstrate a real problem?  A real problem for relationships?

Further, aren’t the female politics a problem, too?  I mean, women will read this essay and, as they have confessed about my book, will agree with the content.  Yet, despite the substance being true and helpful, women won’t dare confess their consent to one another.

In other words, we’ve reached a state in gender relations where curative ideas can’t be acknowledged or championed for the source’s gender, and for the politics of image associated with feminist directives against that gender.  Doesn’t that, too, demonstrate a real problem?  A problem for relationships?

And then this:  can you honestly say that your man is the type deserving of those directives, and the penalties?

Anyway, I’m tired of writing now.  Not that I’m out of things to say.  Quite the contrary.  Nevertheless, good luck.  Let me know what you think.

 

 

I Wouldn’t Make A Very Good Pastor

Pastor Joel Osteen of Houston’s Lakewood Church says good people have to, like eagles, gain altitude and soar above the riff-raff.  Admirably, Joel follows his own advice.  Me?  Well, like sticking a red-hot poker up my ass, criticism from the riff-raff clips my wings.  My ass on fire, I’m ready to descend and engage.

For example, with an epic flood occurring in Houston, were news agencies to ask me, “Pastor Warren, not opening your church to displaced flood victims.  How do you respond to criticisms?”

My answer:  Well, like I said in my social media post, the church was inaccessible for severe flooding, which in case you haven’t noticed is catastrophic—historic.  Not to mention, the church itself is flooded—here’s the pictures.  Thereto, my personal neighborhood is flooded.  Rescue teams are there evacuating families and pets.  Nevertheless, we sheltered five thousand people in 2001, held a benefit concert for flooding victims in 2016.  We’ve provided telephone numbers and addresses to area shelters while, to make accommodations, we solve our own problems.  The fact is we’ve never closed our doors. We will continue to be a distribution center for those in need, as always, and will be prepared to shelter people once the city and county shelters reach capacity.  As always, we will be a value to the community in the aftermath of this storm in helping our fellow citizens rebuild their lives.

And right there is where a better man like Joel Osteen would leave it.  And the previous being mostly his comments, he actually did leave it there.  Not me.  A less-better man with his ass on fire and ready to engage, I would continue …

… Now, as for those critics?  They can stick their head up their ass.  The truth is they’re probably a bunch of liberals who do nothing but criticize, accuse, and complain anyway.  They’re people who pretend to care about others, but who really care about themselves and their image.  What they really value is the appearance of caring, as opposed to myself, our church members, and conservative people around our great community and country who actually prove they care every day, and in situations like this.  So, good luck to the critics—assholes.  My fervent hope is that God rewards them handsomely according to their deeds.

And, able to rise above the riff-raff and to forgo such an addendum is why Joel’s a better man than me.

I wouldn’t make a very good pastor.

And in view of the aforementioned circumstances—historic flooding, inaccessibility, flooded church, flooded personal neighborhood, and so on, have a gander at what these phony liberal critics say and imply via Twitter:

  • “You know who hasn’t opened his enormous, tax-exempt mega-church as a shelter? Joel Osteen.  About all those tax-free millions, Joel…  You’re an unimaginable bastard and a hell-bound grifter.  And deep down, you know it. You. Know. It.”
  • “Jesus would open his church to the suffering to give them shelter from the storm. Read Matthew 5-7 till it makes sense to you.”
  • “Dude, open up your church, and open up your home. Come on, man…”
  • “You know what may be more effective than prayers? Use of your building or money.”
  • “When Joel Osteen has a gigantic church and 10 mil home in Houston but is only offering prayers to ppl affected.”
  • “Why don’t you do something besides pray for the flood victims? You have tremendous resources.”

Liberals.

Always accusing and blaming.

Always pointing their fingers yet doing nothing.

Always expecting someone else to take care of them and to solve their problems.

Always jealous.

Always uninformed.

Always complaining.

Always entitled to other people’s money and resources.

Always miserable.

Liberals.  Forever the riff-raff good people must rise above.

Like I said—my ass smoldering and wings clipped, I wouldn’t make a very good pastor.

How to Keep Men Happy. Where’s that article?

“10 Things to Keep Your Wife Happy”* was the title of the piece that inspired this one.  I get annoyed at these sorts of articles in part because, keeping women happy seems to be all anyone’s worried about these days.  And to that end, where does one draw the line?  How to “make” women happy?  Okay.  Give me some suggestions.  “Keeping” women happy?  I’m sorry—that seems a laborious, unending siege.

I’m further annoyed by these sorts of articles because they’re usually, not always, written by some skinny-jeans-wearing, crisply quaffed and well-manicured millennial male who, per his advice, you’d swear really wants to be a woman.  The sort whose entire existence is devoted to, you guessed it, keeping a woman happy.  I want everyone to be happy, too—especially me!  So I don’t want either the relational workload or responsibility of which these sorts promote.  In short, I don’t agree that men are the problem, or that they are unsophisticated and insensitive animals in constant need of refinement, which seems the constant and recurring theme.  Thus, I don’t agree with the approach.  Quite the contrary, in fact.

Unlike these devoted sorts apparently—the “apparently” remark a result of pictures in these articles showing men fawning over women, cuddling, listening attentively, fake smiling, being “present,” and doing things their expected to do as opposed to being themselves—I’m thinking:  somebody needs to make and keep me happy!  When did that relationship idea cease being a relationship idea?  “How to Keep Men Happy.”  To a collective feminist gasp, I ask, Where’s that article?

Reading these articles, mostly for research and education purposes related to my work, I always find myself in disagreement on various points and for various reasons.  So more or less countering the aforementioned article, I thought I would give voice to those disagreements, complete though they usually are not, and offer a more realistic and manly perspective.  It’ll be fun.

So, item one:

Never and Always.  The crisply quaffed millennial writer, if indeed he is, thinks the terms never and always should be done away with in relationship dialogue.  Actually, I think he means they should be done away with in relationship conflict.  And, I agree.  The terms should be done away with because, when uttered they’re rarely true—at least, they’re rarely true when women utter them.

Women use the terms more readily because they are more often emotional.  Who criticizes and accuses the other more, men or women?  It’s not even close.  And why do women criticize and accuse men more?  Like I said, because they’re more often emotional—angry, irrational, unhinged.  And when emotions run the show, terms like never and always roll-off the tongue rather fluidly.

Men on the other hand are usually justified when they use the terms.  Examples:  “You never give me a chance to explain.”  And, “You always side with the children.”  Or, “You always blame me and are never the problem.”—both in one sentence, that’s like a double-word score!  So, this never and always thing is a problem, certainly.  For men, anyway.

Men don’t focus on women when they come home from work.  Or as our writer states, men need to better “work the reunions.”  I can’t speak for every man but, when I finish my day, I want some down time.  No talking.  No complaining.  No list of daily events or problems to solve.  Men walk in the door and immediately hear the beeping—beep-beep-beep.  It’s the dump truck full of complaints and problems backing into the den.

Shut the diesel down for a little while.  Come in with a scotch—a double, in fact.  Unloosen my tie, give me a kittenish grin and a little wanton eye contact.  Then slip slowly, silently, into a little reverse cowboy.  Afterwards, my spirit now renewed, I’m ready to listen and take notes—sipping my scotch, of course.  Now we can talk about the events of the day and knock-out all of those problems.  The alternative is men walking in and pretending to want to immediately listen to every one of those 21,000 words women like to daily utter.  “Work the reunions,” he says.  I say this is working it—and well, I might add.  It’s like I always say:  in terms of the need to “work on relationships,” as in adapting and conceding and changing to correct their flaws, there’s but one pair of workboots in the relational closet.  They’re man-size.

Laugh at her attempts at humor.  This recommendation should read:  laugh at her attempts at humor if they’re funny.  Otherwise, it’s a phony deal, something merely being done to “keep” someone happy.  When it comes to making them feel good about themselves, women don’t really care about genuineness.  They’re perfectly content with disingenuousness.  Think it isn’t true?  Try these:  Tell me my butt looks great in these jeans, even though it’s a size 40 (I don’t know how large that size is exactly, but the objective here is to offend the least so as to minimize the grief).  And this one:  Laugh at my humor, even though it isn’t all that funny.

In other words, don’t be honest and don’t be yourself, gentlemen.  To keep women happy, be what?  Disingenuous!  See?  What did I tell you?  Women spend so much time trying to be someone else that they expect their men to do the same.  I don’t know, sounds like one big plastic deal that, for credibility’s sake, men should avoid.  And besides, if men can’t be both honest and themselves in a relationship, why be in it?  It’s a prison, not a partnership.

Defend your wife and family.  I agree with this recommendation but, this is just, pandering.  Shameless pandering.  Of course men are going to defend their wives and family.  And if they don’t, get rid of them, ladies.  What good are they?  On an opposite note, here’s some advice for modern women:  how about championing the watchman who guards the palace gate?  Tell your friends how much you depend on your man, how awesome and hot he is, and how much you can’t wait to get home and bang him for being so awesome and hot.  Emotional, physical, financial—security has a price tag.  Women should start calculating the value of security, instead of pretending it isn’t both necessary and desired.

Be a man softer, kinder, and more tender.  The author actually suggested that men be more “lamblike.”  Yes.  That was my reaction, too.  Again, men:  whatever you do, don’t be who you are characteristically.  That’s the message.  When are women asked to toughen up and to stop being so emotional and girly?  Uh, never.  But it’s perfectly acceptable to both ask and expect men to be less manly and more … “lamblike.”  Imagine the look on John Wayne’s face being told he needs to be more, lamblike.  “Why Quirt, you need to be more lamblike!”  Que the classic, half-eyed Duke stare.

Interestingly, modern men actually comply with such requests.  Don’t believe me?  Just look at the pictures in these “How to keep your women happy” articles.  And while behaving more lamblike, men politely ask, “Dear–Pumpkin–The Air I Breathe, is it okay if I put the whites in the washer?”  Meanwhile, their women are staring out the front window at the shirtless, Thor-like stud next door washing his car and doing other manly things.  “Sure honey,” she says with an internal eyeroll, her eyes fixed on Thor and her loins stirring.

Men being kind and considerate towards their women?  I believe in that practice.  Men being turned into something opposed to Thor?  Nope.  Not so lamblike, and not separating the whites, Thor gets all the female respect and admiration.

The sex problem.  “Women need closeness to feel sexual; men need sex to feel close.”  It sounds like something straight out of a Relationships 101 book, or something a relationship counselor would say to sound profound. Women need closeness to feel sexual?  Sorry, no they don’t.  Ever had a woman come home horny, decided in the fact that she was going to “get her some?”  She doesn’t need closeness, or to be romanced.  She needs a wiener.  Well, let’s elevate our dialogue here:  she needs sexual attention, and she damn well aims to get it.  Granted, this only happens once or twice a month, for the cyclical “fertile” days.  Yet, it does happen.

Women are in fact reckless and uninhibited during these occasions, and they don’t need flowers and candy or to be heard and appreciated, either one.  This supposed need for closeness, otherwise known as romance, is just a way for women to control sex and to get what they want from men emotionally, and in general.  And given that women can come home with fire and intent in their eyes once or twice a month, and not require romance, it’s clearly a selective need.  There’s a sex problem in relationships certainly.  It’s this dogma about female sexuality that renders men beggars and performers.

Men need to be more “touchy.”  I agree.  The fact is women derive a considerable amount of assurance from unsolicited hugs and hand-holding.  In longer standing relationships men tend to neglect this practice, one that purchases a significant amount of goodwill from women.  Men should do more of both, period.  A lot more.

In contrast, women complain when men fondle their breasts in passing.  They act annoyed when, reaching into the oven for the roast, men ease in for a little test-drive.  In the sex and touching department, men are clearly fulfilling their obligation to the relationship’s sexual component.  Women on the other hand act as if there’s a force-field around a man’s genitals that, if broken, will deliver a death charge.

Women avoid touching men because they don’t want to get something started that, for having laundry to do and furniture to polish and social media to peruse, they have no interest in finishing.  Thereto, and yet closer to the truth, women don’t want sex as much as men, and thus don’t want to encourage it.  It really is that simple.  Incidentally, the reason men are drawn to pornography?  Porn women are aggressive and touchy and pretending to be sexually insatiable.

So, brave the force-field, ladies, and act like your starving for it the other 28 days of the month, too.  You’re in a committed relationship for chrissake.  In all its many acts, sexual theater is an obligation.

Men need to help out more around the house.  Men, when’s the last time you had an argument over mowing the lawn, repairing the sink, or one of the many other duties and services you perform?  When’s the last time you discussed the rigors of your career, and the exhausting emotional and physical expenditures related to your work?  Those arguments and conversations don’t take place because the only work that’s hard and taxing occurs in a woman’s life and career.  And the only work that gets done in the relational realm is the laundry, cooking, and cleaning.

Next Saturday, men should get up and say, “Okay, we’re all going out to paint the fence today!” And they can watch everyone make excuses and disappear.  Better yet, next time men hear, “The toilet won’t flush!”  They should return, “Well, fix it.  What am I?  Your plumber?”

Simply, men don’t get any credit for the things they do, and can do, only criticism for the things they don’t.  And do men complain when the painting crew disappears on Saturday morning?  No.  They just paint the fence, alone—and don’t complain or make issue of it, either.  Explains things, doesn’t it?

She isn’t broken, so don’t fix her.  Well, something’s broken.  Otherwise women wouldn’t be issuing so many complaints, criticisms, and accusations to their men.  What’s broken and in need of repair, obviously, is men.  On a serious note, women process things verbally.  They like to work through complex issues and feelings by talking.  I think that’s an extremely effective way to manage issues and feelings, too.

Problem is, men are fixers.  Given a problem, they assess it, and set to solving it.  Creatures of action and loathers of drama and dysfunction, that’s how men approach things.  Unlike women, men aren’t as concerned about the politics of issues, and aren’t as encumbered by the feelings, either.  So in processing matters, women ramble on for their own benefit, and not because they want help solving a problem.  It sounds to men as if women have a problem, and as if women are asking for assistance, but they aren’t.  They’re processing, sorting things out.

It’s not so hard, gentlemen.  Just shut-up and listen.  Have a cocktail and allow the processing.  If women need your help, they’ll ask:  “Well, what do you think?”  See?  Isn’t that easy.  The real challenge for men is listening to all those mind-numbing and ultimately meaningless details resulting from the political concerns and swampy feelings.  But hey, it’s part of the job.  So, suck it up.

Take quitting, or divorce, off the table for a more solid relationship.  According to our crisply quaffed and well-manicured writer, if indeed he is, men need to decide that they meant what they said at the wedding, and that “this woman, come what may, is [their] partner for life.”  He claims women are “entitled to more, the full monty, the whole experience of being affiliated with, no, make that loved by, a man.”  I’m convinced this guy wants to transition.

First, and again, the message is men are the problem—always the problem.  Thus my second point:  in terms of the responsibility for relationship demise, I personally know waaay more women who brought divorce to the table.  And they showed up with other men who were enjoying the sex these women were previously too exhausted to have.  So in regards to divorce, and the need to take it off the relational table, please with the feminine sainthood.

Nevertheless, in regards to a man’s love, when is that ever sufficient or suitable?  It being demanded of men to continuously prove and to reprove their love, it’s clearly never sufficient or suitable.  Men can say “I love you” a million and one times to their women.  They can say the extra 20-pounds doesn’t matter over and over, and that they don’t care if “things” jiggle during sex.  Women don’t hear it—any of it.  Perhaps they hear, they just don’t listen.  Thus, when men profess their love and say they don’t care about twenty-pounds and jiggly things, they may as well be speaking Italian.  And even Italian women don’t listen.

What this divorce/love issue amounts to is more relational bags for men to carry, which is fulfilling the constant female need for reassurance, and being endlessly responsible for women’s self-esteem and self-confidence.  In other words, men are baggage handlers, not partners.  In contrast, how much time do women devote to buttressing the confidence of their men?  To bragging on men’s looks, their physiques, their abilities and accomplishments?

Why, demanding that men notice everything about them—new hair style, fingernails, new outfit—and while listening constantly to their men remind them of how irresistible they are, women don’t have time to buttress the confidence of their men.  And considering that complimenting men in the era of equality is an act of weakness and subordination, women don’t have the inclination, either.  Now, criticizing and accusing?  Why, there’s plenty of time and a natural disposition for that.  In fact, it’s required of independent, equality-minded women.

So love is something for men to continually prove, which they do through continuous, fawning, self-esteem-buttressing attention.  And if they neglect this duty, they’ll be the respondents in divorce proceedings for being unappreciative, emotionally abusive, and for not loving sufficiently or suitably.  Where ultimately the well-established fact will be yet confirmed:  men are the problem.  There’s a simple answer:  treat others how you want to be treated.  Given the circumstances, it should be obvious to whom that message is directed.  And I’ll bet it keeps divorce off the table.

 

Link:

http://bestlifeonline.com/secrets-for-keeping-her-happy/?utm_source=kwbl&utm_content=kwauto_secrets-for-keeping-her-happy&utm_medium=paid_social&kwp_0=414455&kwp_4=1527414&kwp_1=663649

 

 

What’s In A Title, Anyway?

New Rules:  Relationship Logic for the Darkside provokes two common questions—albeit, one less common than the other.  The least common regards the “Darkside” reference, which I assume is least common because, given the clearly evident cultural war on men, and the suggestion of a darkside in relationships, most people naturally attribute the reference to men.  In titling the manuscript I presumed the connection easily made, and that most would make it, which has turned out to be the case.  Yet asking about it, some clearly do not make the association.  Actually, I suspect they do make the connection, but merely want their beliefs validated, and clarity.

In any case, men are the “darkside.”  Why are men the darkside?

Basically, there has been a decade’s long feminist assault on the male gender.  Over time, traditional gender relations and relationships were cast aside and a new set of rules was established, guidelines that afforded women legal and political power, and control over men.  And thus, men became the darkside—the evil to which the world’s, the workplace’s, and a relationship’s problems could all be traced.

The more commonly asked question has to do with the New Rules aspect.  Here’s the explanation:  modern gender relations and relationships suck for men, who are at a distinct and extreme political and legal disadvantage.  Basically, the latest rules for gender relations and relationships, which replaced the traditional rules, don’t benefit men and need to be replaced.

Thus the title:  New Rules.

Plainly, the gender relations landscape has changed dramatically.  Being the exposed and virtually powerless in the new era, men need a fresh perspective toward women, and both a new mindset and approach towards gender relations and relationships.  Facilitating this new perspective, and the subsequent mindset and approach, is logic.

Logic is:  reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity, or according to strict principles that are well-grounded or justifiable, being at once relevant and meaningful.  In other words, the use of logic is a fact-finding mission.  Logical examination is required to make sense of things, one.  And two, it’s required to expose lies, lies such as men wanting to mistreat and to dominate women, while they actually capitulate to virtually every female demand, and give women nearly everything they want.

Logical examination is the burden of problem solvers.  While the feelers jump from one accusation and complaint to the next, problem solvers have to understand the problem—the full scope of the problem, its every unfortunate and unfavorable detail.  And women being characteristically emotional, and prone to hot accusation and complaint, the gender left with the burden is rather evident.

So having done the thinking, and having made the arguments over so many gender relations and relationship matters.  And thus having made the problem solver’s job easier and his load significantly lighter:  New Rules:  Relationship Logic for the Darkside.